It never rains it pours

Today has been a torential down pour of crap

There is no other way of saying it.

I have had so many good days that it was inevitable that I would stumble across a pretty shitty day.

And thats ok

I am only human, my situation is nothing new

So Im allowed to have a shitty day

It allows me to wake up tomorrow full of sunshine, rainbows and lollipops.

This situation dosen't come with instructions or rules

It seems to come with alot of expectations from others

But the only expectation I had was we would be civil for the boys sake

and so would the people closest to us

It seems that half of that expectation was a little high

and let me tell you

lesson learnt!

Things are far from perfect between us

we are still arguing and bickering

and thats not what ither of us want

I feel like its just the natural progression of the situation

I just wish other people wouldn't get involved

It makes it worse

Thinking about it now the other expectation I had would be things would remain the same between

certain circles

and I have learnt the hard way that, that too was an expectation that was way too high

Although to me It's nothing I wouldn't have expected if it was someone else in the same situation

But I guess thats just me?

One of the biggest things I've learn't through out this spilt is

I am differnt

The way I have handled things seems to be left of centre for most

The way I think about what has happened is completely differnt to others

The way I see things is not how others see it

The things I know I need seem to be nothing like what other people think I need

I'm undecided on wether being differnt in this situation is a good thing or not

But at the end of the day

I have to ask myself

Do I really want to be, think or feel like everyone else?

Pretty sure Taylor swift is onto something here

Or is staying true to myself the best way to overcome this and come out stronger at the end?

So I guess the answer is pretty clear right?...

I am who I am take it or leave it

I can't and won't change

because there are people out there that really do Love me for me.

I may lose friends, I may lose respect, I may even lose family

But whatever happens, happens I cant change fate

All is not lost thought I will

Find new friends, gain a new found respect from others and become closer to other family

Life Isn't easy and you have to overcome hundreds of obstacles throughout

How you handle them and how you come out of them is what really matters

One day again soon

things will go back to normal I know thats true

Its just trying to wade through all the shit days and focus on the good that is draining

But as Katy Perry says in her song Firework

"If only knew what the future holds

After a hurricane comes a rainbow"

My rainbow is coming...

*image from pinterest

No-one understands

No-one seems to understand how I'm feeling

I am coping with this thats for certain

When I say I'm ok i really am ok

Im not great, Im not fantastic

I am simply just that... OK

Im getting through 1 day and into the next as best I can

I'm not sitting in a corner crying, I'm not laying in bed all day

Life goes on I have 2 small children that need me

Im managing, just but I'm doing what I need to do to get through

But somedays straight out SUCK

Somedays I cry.. alot

In the shower

In the car

At night when the boys are asleep

I dont cry because I miss him

I cry because I'm alone

I cry because I crave Love

I cry because I crave to feel special & beautiful again

I cry because I wish that the situation I am in now with the people in my life now

was 6 months into the future where things could be differnt

where I would be past this stage

I cry because if things hadn't of changed all that time ago

I wouldn't be crying now

I said that its my time to shine

my time to be me

Other people are saying it too & its all true

But how do I do what I want when I dont even know what that is

How do I just be me when I dont even know how to be me

I am getting out there and doing things

I get my nails done

Im going to the gym again

Im seeing friends when I can

Going out for dinner & hot chocolates

My house is being decluttered

Im starting my scrapbooking & crafting again

But once my boys are in bed 

I'm alone

I have no-one to share in my day

To kiss & cuddle

To talk to

To flirt with.

And its not easy

I enjoy all of that

I like the company of a partner especially when they can full-fill all those needs

and there's nothing wrong with that it's just who I am.

I dont want nor do I need another relationship right now

But it dosen't stop me missing the good times & fun that can be had in one.

*image

The weekends the boys aren't here are the hardest

Yes crazy I know

I have all this child free time to do what I want un-interrupted & I just dont want it

The amount of time i actually have to myself is daunting

How do I fill it all in?

How do I just enjoy this time without wishing myself into the future?

Whatever happens, happens I need to let the universe play my cards

But how do I enjoy being me?

Today the days ahead look long and lonely

Tomorrow hopefully they are full of light & life

*edited to add image credit

Little Red "Mothering" Wagon

On the back of the gorgeous post, Sergeant Should
from the beatuful Sunny Mummy Stacey
I wanted to post this post.
I wrote it not that long ago, 3rd of February to be exact
I had it posted on a blog as anonymous of someone I once respected & trusted

Some of it has changed as my friendship circle has changed

But the feelings of not coping are coming back again
Im starting to feel out of conrol again
The one feeling I dont like

Staceys post helped me so much! I know its ok that everything will be ok
But i just wanted to share this post because
Its a place I HAVE been
and In this momment starting to fight again.
At least I now know the light at the end of the tunnel really does keep shining

xx
.......................................................................................................................................

'

*image

What do you do you when the very person that holds your whole life together starts to crash?

What do you do when you are that person?

Ok so i guess that might sound like im up myself

but you name me one mother who does not keep the household, children, family togther, running like clock work.

Im not going to pussyfoot around here, im coming straight out and saying it

I AM NOT COPING!

yep thats right i said it!

All of a sudden the wheels on that little red mothering wagon are starting to fall off

one by one..

I cry, i scream, im stressed

My partner and i fight, i could almost say i want him too leave

I get sick of hearing him constantly fighting with our children, sick of him playing the "oh i cant cope" card

hunni try living it 24hrs a day 7 days a week and then get back to me

At least you can escape to work or off to one of your "activities"

What time do i get? Wheres MUM's time?

I hate everything i ask him to do is SUCH a task, that its like im asking him just to piss him off, that i cant even go have a 5 minute shower to refresh because he "thinks" he cant handle it

(for the record he did fine!)

I hate he makes me feel like he wants to be anywhere on earth then sitting next to me or spending time with his kids.

I hate he makes me feel all of this

Our children,

I love them to pieces, theres nothing i wouldnt do for them i live for them

 but Master 3 is doing my head in,

He kicks, he screams (probably becuase we do i know), he hits, he throws things, he hits his sibling, he trashes the house upturing clothes, toyboxes, recycling anything he can reach he dumps on the floor

He has no attention span, he moves from one activity to another, he cant sit still.

He is High Demand

and i cant handle it anymore.

I dont know what to do!

I am at breaking point,

i want to walk out, turn my back on everything and everyone

but i know its not the answer.

I need to stay and fight this, fight for my family, fight for my sanity

I need to see a Doctor.

I have no support, nothing! people say they are "there for me" but are you really?

Why am i the only one that has to ask for help?

No-one understands my life, because they are not living it

Everyone seems to compare and their day their situation has to be worse then mine.

I understand everyones situation is differnt that people handle things differntly but that dosent mean i dont count!

Why cant i have a bad day?

Because i am seemingly strong? Like i am holding it together?

Becaue i am still putting everyone elses needs before my own?, because i will drop everything to help the ones i love? 

Acting is easy TRUST me, you dont know what goes on behind closed doors!

But do you ever stop to ask?

Do you ever think that "strong" "holding it together" person isnt coping?

I am selfless its who i am regardless of my problems i am always there for EVERYONE, i dont wait for them to ask i see they need help and i do it

 but i am now paying for it, i have no-one to blame but myself.

My life is spinning out of control and i have no idea how to stop it.

How to get back too 2 months ago where i was coping,

where i could laze on the couch and not care that there was toys everywhere, or washing to fold or floors to mop

Where has that person gone? How do i find her again?

How do i find ME!

I love being a mother but i think as many of us do the real me has gotten pushed aside and the mummy panties are on full time.

Im sure there is light at the end of the tunnel but at the momment this tunnel is very dark and very lonely and i am trying to find my way out on my own.

Im not ashamed, I am scared but I am also REAL

So can someone hand me a torch?

Baby sitting & Mothers guilt

We all know the general idea of mothers guilt

I feel it just as many mothers do

My biggest guilt trip is when it comes to having my boys baby sat.

Im writing this becase i need a break

not just a hubby takes the boys for a few hours or put them in childcare break

no I'm in desperate need of an over night mummy gets to sleep in,

 and can potter around during the day with no distractions type break.

Just writing that has already given me the guilts!

Why should I "need" a break from my children

Why cant I be the "perfect" mother and have "happy smiling" children.

Why cant i just suck it up & mother them 24/7

There are plenty of mums out there who dont have a baby sitting option at all

If they can do it why cant I?

The fact that i "need" a break is enough to make me cry, it makes me feel like im failing

But the thought of asking someone to look after them sends me into hysterics.

I dont even remember the last time one of my boys was away from me "just because."

Master J had a sleepover the night before we were induced with Lil C

Lil C is almost 10 months old :|

They were both looked after for most of a day so i could attend a market for my FB business

but their dad picked them up after work.

They are the last 2 times they were looked after

and both times it was for a reason.

both times I felt like i had asked too much.

I guess I look at it like

I chose to have my babies

So why should i ask someone else to look after them?

They are my partners and I responsibility, no-one elses.

I feel like they are all thinking if she didn't want to look after her kids why did she have them

I want to be a mother who can ask family for some help

I only need it every now and then

I dont want them looked after 100 times a week

once or twice a month would be fabulous

Just so Mr S & I can work on our realtionship

a date night would be heaven

Gees a dinner/lunch date and we pick the kids up after would be amazing.

I just cant ask though.

I cant bring myself to ask someone to take responsibility for my children just because i need a break.

I dont want to be made to feel like i am placing a "burden" upon them by asking.

I dont want there to be conditions of them being taken care of

Why should there be?

It dosen't help that no-one is willing to look after Master J

No-one can "handle" him

But you know what some days I cant ither

Somedays he is so full on that I cant do anything but pay him attention until Lil C needs me

or he is distracted by something.

All of which is buring me out

All of which is why I need some respite.

I know I need to do something the right intentions are there, on my behalf

but by not taking that huge step and asking

my boys are missing out

They are missing out on building relationships with grandparents and auntys

With cousins and family.

They are starting to become trapped in my little bubble

because of how im made to feel about things.

Which of course just adds to this mothers guilt.

*image from here

Tears, mumma bear angry & breathing again.

After days, weeks, months and years,

I still feel like an outsider.

What do I have to do to be worth their acceptance?

There is bitchyness behind backs, favouritism, secret gatherings.

Plans are made we are not thought of.

Well until last minute then we/I are an after thought.

Not a nice feeling

There is vindictivness, sublte but it's there, i see it like a red flag.

My children miss out the most.

My heart breaks for them

I cry for them

I dont want them to suffer the same feelings I have all my life.

I want them to fit in I want them to be accepted.

I don't want them treated like they are a chore or an imposition.

They are blood I am not

Yet it means nothing.

You dont like me? Fine! firstly tell me but dont take it out on my boys.

They want nothing more to be loved, to be treated the same.

It's starting to affect me more then it ever has before.

I dont trust the words anymore, i get anxious if we ever are involved in something.

I get angry, mother bear angry!

I want to pack my boys up and disappear away from it all.

Would they miss us? I don't think so i really don't

I want them to hurt the way i hurt.

I want them to see what they are doing because honestly i dont think they even realise.

Voicing this is not an option

It would lead to more of the above and im already dealing with more then i can handle.

More then anyone is capable of dealing with.

What does it take to add myself to their circle.

To stop the judgement and gain the friendship.

They are no better then me i "know" this

Yet they make me feel worthless.

The thought of what is being said behind my back is enough to send me to tears.

I am anxious enough to not want to post this,

I can't even fathom the reaction if one of them stumbled across it.

yes not even my blog is a safe place anymore,

yet i need to get it out there.

I'm over trying

I don't have any more fight in me.

I wont be holding my breath in anticpation any longer

whats the point I'm already turning blue

enoughs enough.

I need my breath back

I need to breath life into myself and my children again

Give them everything they aren't getting from who should be giving it to them.

Thought i would join up with the lovely Glowless and Flog My Blog

well this post as this post will never make it to FB

*edited so i could add the funky FYBF icon

Crying Babies and Anxiety

Crying babies give me anxiety

Image from Here

Yep tis true.

Every time i hear a bubba cry i get a little anxious

It dosen't even have to be my own could be someones in the supermarket.

But as soon as those cries hit my ears i start to fret.

Its not a bad anxiety it dosent cripple me but my heart starts to race and i start to freak out

I know you're asking why right?

The answer..

Sleep deprivation and being a new mum

Hearing cries brings back so many sleep deprived stressful memories.

My blue eyed Boofa was such a terrible sleeper and whingy bubba.

In the beginning he would feed and wake so often i would be stressed every time i heard him cry

At night was the worse, i craved my sleep in the early months and he didnt.

So every peep every noise every cry would send my heart racing, somedays the tears would fall

All i wanted was sleep, all i wanted was him to sleep longer then an hour here or a few hours there.

He was also a baby who needed attention

You had to be playing with him or he would whinge.

Its just who he was.

Mix all of this with being a new mum and thinking you werent doing things right

and of course i was going to get some sort of anxiety.

This was one of my biggest worries when i had Lil C

that he would be the same that he would not sleep very well and be quite whingy.

I was compeltely wrong

he hasn't been like this at all...

...except for the past week or so

You may have read in an earlier post he is not well

the poor owlet is teething and has a blasted cold

all of which is causing him grief, hes having trouble falling asleep and is just not a happy boy

 unless mummy is giving him cuddles.

So the anxiety has come back slightly

Before he got sick i could let him cry it out on the floor

Dont call DOCS it would only be for a few minutes while i finished what i was doing

and he would only be crying because he had gotten stuck crawling around or is ready for bed.

I could handle it because it didnt happen too often or i knew what he wanted.

But now the poor cherub is crying because hes feeling like crap :( 

Its brought back all the issues of i dont know what he wants!

I dont feel it all the time but if we've had a bad day it definatly makes me fret.

Second time round it is most certainly easier to handle the crying.

Most days i know exactly what is wrong

But that all goes out the window when they are sick

I just have to keep telling myself that hes sick and dosent feel very well

and it really helps lower the anxiousness.

I hope i am normal to an extent i even hope im not alone

Having such a difficult time first time round i guess it was only natural that it would carry over to number 2

Im just glad its not as bad and can seem to handle the crying alot better.

On a happier note if anyone is wondering

Master J ended up sleeping through the night at about 18 months old

the whinging?

 well lets just say mumma still gets slightly anxious and stressed some days ;)

But hey they are my babies and really in the end its all completely worth it.

brotherly love at its most perfect

*edited becuase my proof reading sucks!