Tears, mumma bear angry & breathing again.

After days, weeks, months and years,

I still feel like an outsider.

What do I have to do to be worth their acceptance?

There is bitchyness behind backs, favouritism, secret gatherings.

Plans are made we are not thought of.

Well until last minute then we/I are an after thought.

Not a nice feeling

There is vindictivness, sublte but it's there, i see it like a red flag.

My children miss out the most.

My heart breaks for them

I cry for them

I dont want them to suffer the same feelings I have all my life.

I want them to fit in I want them to be accepted.

I don't want them treated like they are a chore or an imposition.

They are blood I am not

Yet it means nothing.

You dont like me? Fine! firstly tell me but dont take it out on my boys.

They want nothing more to be loved, to be treated the same.

It's starting to affect me more then it ever has before.

I dont trust the words anymore, i get anxious if we ever are involved in something.

I get angry, mother bear angry!

I want to pack my boys up and disappear away from it all.

Would they miss us? I don't think so i really don't

I want them to hurt the way i hurt.

I want them to see what they are doing because honestly i dont think they even realise.

Voicing this is not an option

It would lead to more of the above and im already dealing with more then i can handle.

More then anyone is capable of dealing with.

What does it take to add myself to their circle.

To stop the judgement and gain the friendship.

They are no better then me i "know" this

Yet they make me feel worthless.

The thought of what is being said behind my back is enough to send me to tears.

I am anxious enough to not want to post this,

I can't even fathom the reaction if one of them stumbled across it.

yes not even my blog is a safe place anymore,

yet i need to get it out there.

I'm over trying

I don't have any more fight in me.

I wont be holding my breath in anticpation any longer

whats the point I'm already turning blue

enoughs enough.

I need my breath back

I need to breath life into myself and my children again

Give them everything they aren't getting from who should be giving it to them.

Thought i would join up with the lovely Glowless and Flog My Blog

well this post as this post will never make it to FB

*edited so i could add the funky FYBF icon

My Thoughts for Lori

Im only new to the blogging world

so this is my first Flog Ya Blog Friday and such a thoughtful FYBF 

which is why i have decided to join FLBF today!

My good mama friend over at

"Good Golly, Miss Holly!" 

has given me guidence on how to particpate 

and brought my attention to needs of a lady who seems ever so lovely,

Lori of Random Ramblings of a SAHM

I have followed her blogg for a little while now and am sad to see her and her precious little family going through such a horrible ordeal.
With having a partner myself and two beautiful boys i just can not imagine how she must be feeling and this has shaken me as it will alot of people.

So please, Lori needs our thoughts and prayers

To help her husband come out of intensive care, to come back to his family where he belongs.

Lori my thoughts are with you and your babies

i wish with all my might that your soul mate makes it through back home to your familys arms

image from here

xxx