Mum-ments: The guilt & open ended answers...

Saturday, August 4, 2012

The guilt & open ended answers...

When kissing master J goodnight before i go to bed the guilt from the day washes over me.

Tears brim to my eyes.

I always promise myself i'll do better tomorrow,
I wont yell as much tomorrow,
I wont be as stressed tomorrow...

It never happens...

The next day is the same...
And that night is the same.

I am on a vicious circle & dont know how to get off

The only thing that stands out is...
I love those boys more then anything.

Through all the yelling & the "naughtiness"
through every bad day.

My love for them never stops.

They say you only have to get this parenting thing right about 30% of the time and your kids will grow up just fine.

But what if I'm not getting it right that much... What if I'm getting it wrong so much more then I already am.

Living with a child who has "special needs" (speech/language delay, behavioual issues & sensory processing issues... so far) is challenging & exhausting.

At the momment we have no solid answers only open ended ones.
None of them make sense, none of them show a clear indication as to what may be causing all of this.
Wether there is something going on at all... maybe this is just who Master J is?

I am in limbo, trying to do what we've already learnt, trying new things we see or hear trying to make it through each day without completely losing my cool.

Nothing works completely
What works one day dosen't the next

There is something missing.
We are missing a piece to the puzzle that will help our boy cope that will help us all cope that will help him become the happy little boy I know is still inside.

So round & round we go on this ugly circle.
Tears & screaming & meltdowns both mine & his.
All while trying to appear normal & not draw attention to ourselves.

Guess that's the key right there... We aren't a normal family.

So we wait some more & hope that at his peadiatrics appointment this month we start to get some final answers.
We need them we all do, we need to know what to do next...

The book is open & I'm waiting to the turn page to find the next chapter...
I hope it's there.

Comments (11)

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Bianca 40p · 663 weeks ago

thinking of you Tara. xx keep going, you are doing a great job and I am sure with time and answers things will get better. xx

1 reply · active 663 weeks ago

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MummiiTara 33p · 663 weeks ago

Thanks hun hopefully the answers are not too far away xx

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Germaine · 663 weeks ago

Oh Tara, it won't ever be easy will it. But you'll always be the best mum he can ever have. Because no one else will be or could be his mum. I yell at my kids all the time and then lie in bed regretting it and hoping that it won't happen again tomorrow. But guess what happens again the next day. It isn't easy at all and I find that being a parent really tests my true character and challenges me. If anything, I feel that there are still so many things I don't know and probably will never know until I go through the experience... Here's to being brave and taking one day at a time. Love to you and Master J. xxxx

1 reply · active 663 weeks ago

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MummiiTara 33p · 663 weeks ago

Thankyou Germaine, it is so so hard most days.
I am glad I'm not the only one who struggles with this :(
One day at a time
xx

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Katrina · 663 weeks ago

I call my daughter the leaky boat, you plug a hole only to realise you aren't safe just yet. I have stood outside hospitals crying wondering if I am doing things right or wrong when I feel like I am running on the spot. Then I promised to always be a happy mum at home but it's the real world and no one is perfect!!

I probably yell too much because I yell even when I am happy, I probably think eventually getting the juice she wants is just as good as getting it when she asked five minutes before but if I have a piece of the puzzle I would like to add,the fact that you write this, means you care and are doing something right because you care enough to feel bad or upset.

I don't think you magically find answers under your pillow one morning but the days you get it perfectly right, they eventually make up for the days you don't. My kids are 10 and 13 and they are still alive, they still drive me crazy some days but the days we get it right, they are good days.

Good luck and keep blogging xxx

1 reply · active 663 weeks ago

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MummiiTara 33p · 663 weeks ago

Thankyou so so so much!
Your piece of the puzzle is very comforting I was scared to press post.
I look forward to our good days, it's just patiently trying to get through these days 1st.
xxx

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Katrina · 663 weeks ago

I call my daughter the leaky boat, you plug a hole only to realise you aren't safe just yet. I have stood outside hospitals crying wondering if I am doing things right or wrong when I feel like I am running on the spot. Then I promised to always be a happy mum at home but it's the real world and no one is perfect!!____I probably yell too much because I yell even when I am happy, I probably think eventually getting the juice she wants is just as good as getting it when she asked five minutes before but if I have a piece of the puzzle I would like to add,the fact that you write this, means you care and are doing something right because you care enough to feel bad or upset. ____I don't think you magically find answers under your pillow one morning but the days you get it perfectly right, they eventually make up for the days you don't. My kids are 10 and 13 and they are still alive, they still drive me crazy some days but the days we get it right, they are good days. ____Good luck and keep blogging xxx____

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happymumsathome 30p · 663 weeks ago

You will get there Tara. You will.....None of us act ideally all the time (even in 'ideal' circumstances). Do you show your son understanding and compassion when he is having a melt-down or particularly bad day? How about showing yourself a similar level of understanding?

1 reply · active 663 weeks ago

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MummiiTara 33p · 663 weeks ago

I do Kirri and yeah I should be showing myself the same compassion... I guess I forget some days I'm allowed to do so.
Thanks hun, will try harder to be more gentle on myself.
xxx

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kdorothy 48p · 663 weeks ago

How very frustrating for you...

We all suffer the parenting guilts. I know I do. Each day I promise myself I will do better and sometimes I do and sometimes I don't.

Remember to take care of you, too. If you are well and happy, you will have more to give to your children.

Take care...

1 reply · active 663 weeks ago

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