Saturday, August 4, 2012

The guilt & open ended answers...

When kissing master J goodnight before i go to bed the guilt from the day washes over me.

Tears brim to my eyes.

I always promise myself i'll do better tomorrow,
I wont yell as much tomorrow,
I wont be as stressed tomorrow...

It never happens...

The next day is the same...
And that night is the same.

I am on a vicious circle & dont know how to get off

The only thing that stands out is...
I love those boys more then anything.

Through all the yelling & the "naughtiness"
through every bad day.

My love for them never stops.

They say you only have to get this parenting thing right about 30% of the time and your kids will grow up just fine.

But what if I'm not getting it right that much... What if I'm getting it wrong so much more then I already am.

Living with a child who has "special needs" (speech/language delay, behavioual issues & sensory processing issues... so far) is challenging & exhausting.

At the momment we have no solid answers only open ended ones.
None of them make sense, none of them show a clear indication as to what may be causing all of this.
Wether there is something going on at all... maybe this is just who Master J is?

I am in limbo, trying to do what we've already learnt, trying new things we see or hear trying to make it through each day without completely losing my cool.

Nothing works completely
What works one day dosen't the next

There is something missing.
We are missing a piece to the puzzle that will help our boy cope that will help us all cope that will help him become the happy little boy I know is still inside.

So round & round we go on this ugly circle.
Tears & screaming & meltdowns both mine & his.
All while trying to appear normal & not draw attention to ourselves.

Guess that's the key right there... We aren't a normal family.

So we wait some more & hope that at his peadiatrics appointment this month we start to get some final answers.
We need them we all do, we need to know what to do next...

The book is open & I'm waiting to the turn page to find the next chapter...
I hope it's there.