A helping 3 year old hand

If you've followed me long enough you will remember I've had a little more trouble then usual 

with Master J

since his dad and I split up

It was never going to be easy but add his developmental delay to it and we were going to have to work extra hard to help him understand & control the emotions he would be feeling too.

As the weeks go by it seem we start to manage one problem and then another starts

behaviour, not eating, lashing out

The days were getting long and tiring and very emotional for both of us

But after speaking with his speech & behavioural therapists
Nathalie of Easy Peasy Kids

and some of my gorgeous friends

I am feeling alot clearer on how to handle his behaviour.

At the momment Master J is all about attention

He will sit for hours if I let him just constantly repeating "mum mum mum mum mum"

Apart from it driving me absolutly crazy! Its not productive for ither of us

The other thing that I have noticed is his increase in appetitie and thirst

All day and I'm not even kidding when I say ALL day

He is asking for food or a drink

I could make all the healthiest homemade food in the world & he would still be asking for more

This is a work in progress too!

So I have decided to involve him more in our every day mundane activities

Which, if you know me personally is HUGE for me

Its not that I dont want the help its just that I find it easier to do it myself.

But of course for the sake of my boy I have let go a little

I've already started letting him help with the preparation of dinner and snacks

This afternoon he helped me fill up all their drink bottles

I'm getting him to help me with Lil C at bath time

and packing nappy bags and bags for when we go out

So far in a few days with just these few simple tasks, things seem to be starting to get better

The more he helps the calmer and more responsive he is starting to become

Next on the to do list

Is letters from daddy as he loves to check the letterbox for "letters"

(idea from Easy Peasy Kids)

the countdown to when he sees his dad next, he's a real daddys boy

and happy and sad faces to help him understand mine & his own feelings

(idea was from Easy Peasy Kids)

We are still on that very long road ahead 

But I am feeling much more confident and Its helping me learn alot too

Its helping me to let go and live in the momment more

Which can only benefit all 3 of us in the end

I love my boys more then anything, and despite my own quirks and personality traits

I will do whatever it takes to help them

Mess and scraps in dinner included

Thats just what us mummys do!

What little tasks around the house do you let your kiddies help with?

The breakup + developmental delay = tough times

Master J has not been coping with the split very well at all.

I mean I didnt expect him too this time he is older and understands more.

But I didnt expect it to be this hard to deal with ither.

Every time he speaks to Mr S he asks him to come home because he misses him
He constantly asks for his daddy
Everything he sees throughout the day has something to do with daddy

It breaks my heart that my boy is hurting

I want to fix it but I know I cant.

I dont regret making the decison to live our lives like this
Its something that had to be done for all of us
I just wish it wasn't so hard on my boy

Luckily his team of therapists are amazing

They are helping us with startergies to help him cope

We need to get him into a routine with visatation and "family" situations

having him know what to expect

is going to make the times in between him seeing his dad that little more bearable

We need to keep talking to him

explain to him very simply that mummy & daddy can't live with each other

but that we still love him and his brother

We need to let him vent safely and cry and scream
I know some days I feel like that
I cant even imagine not being able to express those thoughts and feelings.

We are also implementing a calendar and clock for him
which Im really excitited about and will share once compelete
Im hoping it will help him grasp time a little easier
and it might help him cope with the time in between seeing his dad

In all honesty we have a huge road ahead of us
Its not going to be easy but the days will start to become better
I will do anything in my power to make this easier on my boys
and they will always know this wasn't their fault and that we both love them very much
I will never bad mouth their father to them

and I will encourage their relationship

I think if Mr S & I can stick to this way of thinking

The boys will be able to cope with this alot easier

and the future will be bright for all of us.

So far so good on all accounts and I couldnt be happier!

Discipline, a new way of thinking perhaps?

Since attending speech therapy with Master J

I have learnt so much about rasing a child.

Not just one with a developmental delay any child.

Now im not here to judge and say your parenting style is wrong

Gosh i wouldnt dream of it

This is simply what i have learnt and what now works for us.

Aside from the way we have learnt to better commincate with our boys

We are now in the process of learning how to discipline them in a differnt way.

I have realised that for our family the traditonal "Time out" or the "naughty step"

just isn't going too work for us.

Shutting them away in their room or excluding them so they are alone shows them we have no idea how to handle their behaviour let alone their feelings.

Telling them to "not come out until you can behave" or "until you are happy"

just seems crazy

My 3yo would dosent understand that nor would he know how to change his behaviour just because we want him too

He would be left feeling even more upset and confused.

However a differnt kind of "Time out"

may just work.

The time out where you walk away for 5 mins to breathe

Obviously making sure your child is safe first!

To collect yourself and your thoughts and how you will handle the situation.

To remember the phrase

"I am bigger, stronger, wiser and kind"

We all know we can all get quite frazzled when children tantrum or are doing something they really sholdnt be

So taking a time out for yourself and even the child is benefical.

So i have taken a "time out" i have walked away and counted to 10, collected my thoughts, repeated the phrase and i am calm (enough)

I can now come back to them and we can focus on what's happened.

If they are upset still

I will take charge so they dont feel too out of control

Find a nice calm place to sit and be and let thoughts and feelings change

Do something differnt, read for a few mintutes, cuddle or even colour

Talk calmly

Help find the words for the feelings they are experiencing and talk about how it made me feel.

Most importantly i stay there until they are calm (enough)

Once they are calm enough

we can commincate and i can find out whats really going, what they are feeling.

I will give him the words for what they are feeling, i will support them in taking resposibility for his part

there will be no blaming another.

And we will talk out loud about a differnt way of handing the problem next time.

They may not understand at that very momment what i am saying but it will help in the long run.

image from here

I started thinking about this and applying it too our lives

and i started thinking about discipline at school.

The "withdrawl rooms" "time outs" and "detentions"

I have decided i am not ok with this

I dont think i want my boys being excluded into a room where they are not learning why they are there.

Simply being told "no you can not do this" or "you didn't do your homework"

Is not allowing them to understand why, it shows them they can not handle their behaviour

and that the easiest way to do that is to send them away.

I know there is no alternative but for me being an involved parent to the point of being called down to the school to discuss what has happened is a better alternative to isolation.

I want to work with the school

Find out the real reason behind why they did whatever they did.

I want to let them know its not ok what happened and help them to understand why they felt they had to do it, to understand what they were thinking and what emotions they were feeling.

Some of you may be reading this going but hang on how will your child learn right from wrong.

And thats a good question

They will learn from experience and from my self and partner talking to them.

Teaching them without sending them away

It may seem like a soft approach but words are powerful.

A child needs to understand something before they learn it.

Master J struggles alot with his feelings and not understanding why

So this method will give us alot of support in heping him to understand.

The biggest thing i need to remember that no matter how i feel my boys still need me.

As I said there is no right or wrong way to parenting

This is just what i feel is going to work in my house for my children

So, what are your thoughts on discipline?

And what works in your house?

Please remember no judging we are all in this together.

And what is right for one is not always right for another and that is perfectly OK!



J Talk edition 2

Master J is coming out with new words and ways of saying things every day

and i want to keep a record of them

Which is why i have decided to to do a few posts on his words

which will only be an every now and then thing.

So this is installment number 2!

" Beat bik"

translation - weet-bix

I hear a big bang or thud coming from another room

theres no tears so hes not hurt or broken

"Master J are you ok?"

Master J answers?

"I k"

translation - I'm ok

"Keen"

translation - McQueen as in Lightning

"Doody & Bugz"
Translation - woody and buzz from toy story

"I blow"
Translation - i need to blow/wipe my nose

"No poo"
Translation - he dosen't have a dirty nappy (pretty obvious i know)

"Coco"
Translation - Cohen aka Lil C

"Look mum weaw weaw"
Translation - Look mum a police car/ ambulance/fire engine

I love that he has his own little way of saying things now

 I love even more he can tell me what he wants or needs

His speech is coming along beautifully.

What funny words does your kiddie use for certain things?

Its the way you Talk

If you have followed my blog for a little while

you would know my blue eyed tornado Master J

has a speech delay.

If your new thanks for following

and you can read a little bit about our life living with a speech delay here

Children, delays and all shades of grey

Following on from that post i thought id share some of the gorgeous things Master J says

Lets call it...

J Talk

"Wait daddy home, fix it"

translation - wait till daddy gets home adn he'll fix it

"Coco's Hoot Hoot"

translation - Lil C's Owl teddy

"Happy Happy"

translation -  Happy Birthday

"Cuppy"

translation - drink

"ank-you"

translation - thankyou

"wait me"
translation - wait for me

Everyday he gets better and better at these words and is always trying to learn new ones

Everyday he makes me that little bit more prouder.

Did your children have special little words or ways of saying things?

Children, Delays & All Shades of Grey

My Blue eyed Boofa, My first born blue, My Joshua

To look at him you see a smily, clever little man who looks older then he is.

You see parents who love him and a little brother who adores him.

Joshua now at almost 3

But there is the side to Master J that people dont really see and dont understand.

A side that people judge, a side that they blame on bad behaviour or bad parenting.

None of which is the case.

That side is his developmental delay.

Joshua dosent talk very well.

He hasnt since he could start talking.

At his 18 month check up the only words he could say

were

"Mum"

"Dad"

"Bub"

Joshua at 19 months

I thought nothing of it really, I knew he wasn't speaking the same as other 18 month olds

But i had been told over and over and over again kids do things in there own time.

So to me this was no differnt

to him sitting up & rolling over at 6 months instead of before

or

getting his first tooth and crawling at 9 months.

He was also behaving quite badly.

He would throw things, hit people and even bite them.

All of which, as a mother absolutly devastated me.

I was embarrassed to say the least but also started blaming my parenting.

All i kept asking myself was

"why is he behaving so badly, what have i done wrong?"

and all the answers i would get were

"its just the age he's at, you need to be stricter"

At his appointment they weren't "worried" as such

but thought it was best to get him checked out by a speech and beahvioural therapist.

In the mean time we were to just keep talking & reading to him if we could

(master J dosent sit still for long so reading was hard)

We got into the Speech sessions and the results for me were a relief and a realisation...

Joshua had a speech delay.

This means basically he didnt have enough words to get him through the day.

ie. Bikkie, Drink etc

Enough words to communicate how he was feeling or what he wanted.

This then turns to fustration for him.

I was also told he was a very sensitive little man

I was shocked 'Sensitive' was not the word i would have used to describe him at all.

It would seem Josh picks up on surrounding emotions quite easily and reacts quite strongly to them.

They also said he couldn't control his own emotions.

That his emotions were like a volcano.

As he experienced them they grew and grew and grew until they finally bubbled over.

Which is when he would throw something or hit someone.

Apparantly this is a very odd combination, so it was going to take some hard work.

All of which i was completely prepared to do, anything to help my beautiful boy.

I myself felt relief to an extent i finally had some sort of explanation for what we were living every day.

I finally felt like this wasn't all my fault.

We started speech therapy as soon as we could get in.

and it worked wonders!!

Joshuas speech was coming along in leaps and bounds.

It felt like every week he was learning 1 or 2 new words.

His behaviour was improving slightly the more he learnt.

It however didn't stop alot of the judgment i still experienced.

People would tut if he had a tantrum at the shops, people would glare if he hurt their child.

I just wanted to scream he's not doing it on purpose!

He simply dosent UNDERSTAND!

I would cry at night still hating that people didnt understand, that it wasnt just a case of

"he'll do it in his own time" or "you can't control him"

It was a case of we need to help him because he's having trouble.

Joshua at about 2

Joshua is now turning 3 in June

he is a loving little boy who is FULL of energy

I mean full!

he is non stop from the momment his eyes open in the morning to the momment they close at night.

Somedays are extremly hard and somedays it would be nice to not be on the go all day.

playing planes Easter 2011

Living every day with a child with a delay is not an easy task

Every day is a constant battle of words and tears, sometimes his tears sometimes mine

Everyday we have to name everything he is doing or what he may be feeling, we name colours and sounds and smells.

I have to explain to him as simply as I can how I am feeling, trying to teach him cause and effect.

If he speaks a cluster of words i have to repeat it back to him or add another word or two trying to teach him more words, bigger sentences.

I have to try and decipher what it is he wants because somedays he just can't tell me, all he can do is grunt or whinge or point.

Honestly it breaks my heart him trying so hard to get the words to tell me and they just aren't there.

It is all just a work in progress, everyday he is learning something new to help him for next time.

I could not be prouder of the progress he has made, he says things that are just plain funny and he says things we still dont quite understand.

We are lucky that he will more then likely be starting Kindy early aswell because of his delay

which i think will be very beneficial for all of us.

I know in my heart one day he will talk & talk & talk

and we will look back on this and go

WOW look how far we've come.

Joshua now at almost 3

I wrote this to hopefully help you understand that some kids are differnt.

That some kids need a little push with development

but most of all

That you don't know if that child has a developmental delay, or Autism or Aspergurers

 that there may be more to that tantrum you see at the doctors surgery, or that child pushing your child.

that children are not black & white, they are all shades of grey.

and

That those shades of grey are really the colour of a Rainbow