Monday, June 20, 2011

Discipline, a new way of thinking perhaps?

Since attending speech therapy with Master J
I have learnt so much about rasing a child.
Not just one with a developmental delay any child.

Now im not here to judge and say your parenting style is wrong
Gosh i wouldnt dream of it
This is simply what i have learnt and what now works for us.

Aside from the way we have learnt to better commincate with our boys
We are now in the process of learning how to discipline them in a differnt way.

I have realised that for our family the traditonal "Time out" or the "naughty step"

just isn't going too work for us.
Shutting them away in their room or excluding them so they are alone shows them we have no idea how to handle their behaviour let alone their feelings.
Telling them to "not come out until you can behave" or "until you are happy"
just seems crazy
My 3yo would dosent understand that nor would he know how to change his behaviour just because we want him too
He would be left feeling even more upset and confused.

However a differnt kind of "Time out"
may just work.
The time out where you walk away for 5 mins to breathe
Obviously making sure your child is safe first!
To collect yourself and your thoughts and how you will handle the situation.
To remember the phrase
"I am bigger, stronger, wiser and kind"
We all know we can all get quite frazzled when children tantrum or are doing something they really sholdnt be
So taking a time out for yourself and even the child is benefical.

So i have taken a "time out" i have walked away and counted to 10, collected my thoughts, repeated the phrase and i am calm (enough)
I can now come back to them and we can focus on what's happened.

If they are upset still
I will take charge so they dont feel too out of control
Find a nice calm place to sit and be and let thoughts and feelings change
Do something differnt, read for a few mintutes, cuddle or even colour
Talk calmly
Help find the words for the feelings they are experiencing and talk about how it made me feel.
Most importantly i stay there until they are calm (enough)

Once they are calm enough
we can commincate and i can find out whats really going, what they are feeling.
I will give him the words for what they are feeling, i will support them in taking resposibility for his part
there will be no blaming another.
And we will talk out loud about a differnt way of handing the problem next time.
They may not understand at that very momment what i am saying but it will help in the long run.

image from here

I started thinking about this and applying it too our lives
and i started thinking about discipline at school.
The "withdrawl rooms" "time outs" and "detentions"
I have decided i am not ok with this
I dont think i want my boys being excluded into a room where they are not learning why they are there.
Simply being told "no you can not do this" or "you didn't do your homework"
Is not allowing them to understand why, it shows them they can not handle their behaviour
and that the easiest way to do that is to send them away.
I know there is no alternative but for me being an involved parent to the point of being called down to the school to discuss what has happened is a better alternative to isolation.

I want to work with the school
Find out the real reason behind why they did whatever they did.
I want to let them know its not ok what happened and help them to understand why they felt they had to do it, to understand what they were thinking and what emotions they were feeling.

Some of you may be reading this going but hang on how will your child learn right from wrong.
And thats a good question
They will learn from experience and from my self and partner talking to them.
Teaching them without sending them away
It may seem like a soft approach but words are powerful.

A child needs to understand something before they learn it.

Master J struggles alot with his feelings and not understanding why
So this method will give us alot of support in heping him to understand.

The biggest thing i need to remember that no matter how i feel my boys still need me.

As I said there is no right or wrong way to parenting
This is just what i feel is going to work in my house for my children

So, what are your thoughts on discipline?
And what works in your house?

Please remember no judging we are all in this together.
And what is right for one is not always right for another and that is perfectly OK!

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