Little Red "Mothering" Wagon

On the back of the gorgeous post, Sergeant Should
from the beatuful Sunny Mummy Stacey
I wanted to post this post.
I wrote it not that long ago, 3rd of February to be exact
I had it posted on a blog as anonymous of someone I once respected & trusted

Some of it has changed as my friendship circle has changed

But the feelings of not coping are coming back again
Im starting to feel out of conrol again
The one feeling I dont like

Staceys post helped me so much! I know its ok that everything will be ok
But i just wanted to share this post because
Its a place I HAVE been
and In this momment starting to fight again.
At least I now know the light at the end of the tunnel really does keep shining

xx
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'

*image

What do you do you when the very person that holds your whole life together starts to crash?

What do you do when you are that person?

Ok so i guess that might sound like im up myself

but you name me one mother who does not keep the household, children, family togther, running like clock work.

Im not going to pussyfoot around here, im coming straight out and saying it

I AM NOT COPING!

yep thats right i said it!

All of a sudden the wheels on that little red mothering wagon are starting to fall off

one by one..

I cry, i scream, im stressed

My partner and i fight, i could almost say i want him too leave

I get sick of hearing him constantly fighting with our children, sick of him playing the "oh i cant cope" card

hunni try living it 24hrs a day 7 days a week and then get back to me

At least you can escape to work or off to one of your "activities"

What time do i get? Wheres MUM's time?

I hate everything i ask him to do is SUCH a task, that its like im asking him just to piss him off, that i cant even go have a 5 minute shower to refresh because he "thinks" he cant handle it

(for the record he did fine!)

I hate he makes me feel like he wants to be anywhere on earth then sitting next to me or spending time with his kids.

I hate he makes me feel all of this

Our children,

I love them to pieces, theres nothing i wouldnt do for them i live for them

 but Master 3 is doing my head in,

He kicks, he screams (probably becuase we do i know), he hits, he throws things, he hits his sibling, he trashes the house upturing clothes, toyboxes, recycling anything he can reach he dumps on the floor

He has no attention span, he moves from one activity to another, he cant sit still.

He is High Demand

and i cant handle it anymore.

I dont know what to do!

I am at breaking point,

i want to walk out, turn my back on everything and everyone

but i know its not the answer.

I need to stay and fight this, fight for my family, fight for my sanity

I need to see a Doctor.

I have no support, nothing! people say they are "there for me" but are you really?

Why am i the only one that has to ask for help?

No-one understands my life, because they are not living it

Everyone seems to compare and their day their situation has to be worse then mine.

I understand everyones situation is differnt that people handle things differntly but that dosent mean i dont count!

Why cant i have a bad day?

Because i am seemingly strong? Like i am holding it together?

Becaue i am still putting everyone elses needs before my own?, because i will drop everything to help the ones i love? 

Acting is easy TRUST me, you dont know what goes on behind closed doors!

But do you ever stop to ask?

Do you ever think that "strong" "holding it together" person isnt coping?

I am selfless its who i am regardless of my problems i am always there for EVERYONE, i dont wait for them to ask i see they need help and i do it

 but i am now paying for it, i have no-one to blame but myself.

My life is spinning out of control and i have no idea how to stop it.

How to get back too 2 months ago where i was coping,

where i could laze on the couch and not care that there was toys everywhere, or washing to fold or floors to mop

Where has that person gone? How do i find her again?

How do i find ME!

I love being a mother but i think as many of us do the real me has gotten pushed aside and the mummy panties are on full time.

Im sure there is light at the end of the tunnel but at the momment this tunnel is very dark and very lonely and i am trying to find my way out on my own.

Im not ashamed, I am scared but I am also REAL

So can someone hand me a torch?

Its a Bird! No its a plane...

No its SuperMum!

*image

Who? Me? really?

Over the past few months I've had a few people call me "supermum"

and in all honesty I really dont know how to take it.

I get offened sometimes, mainly just brush it off and say thanks

not sure what im thanking them for but it seems like the right thing to say.

I dont see myself as a "supermum"

I am a mum

I cook, i clean, i bath

I teach, I cuddle, I wipe bums

I Laugh, I giggle, I Cry

I rock babies, pat backs and tuck sheets in

I keep them warm and content and happy

But dont all mums?

I guess some of the people who have made this comment are saying it in the nicest way

with the nicest intentions because they see how much i do on a daily basis

But i dont think its any more then some.

I would say yes its more the most

 but im sure there mummas out there doing more and kudos to them i say!

I am a mum 1st

A partner

A housewife

A friend

I Blog

I have a small FB business

I have a FB addiction

 siiigh yes its true but im getting better ;)

I plan and organsie

We go to playgroup once a week

and

We go to speech therapy once a week

Daycare is twice a week and kindy will start in the new year

And quite possibly i shall be going back to work in august.

But none of that makes me extraordinary.

That makes me a mum, that makes me, me!

So where does the "super" come from?

I have the choice to stop pretty much half of that list at any time and somedays i do nothing

I mean nothing no housework no blogging no crafting

I sit in a messy lounge room relaxing & playing with the boys

But most of the time i am doing something.

My mind runs a million miles an hour with ideas or planning

that i wish i could stop its exhuasting

But its who i am, I am busy

If I stop, I over think, I get down, I start to beat myself up.

Its easier and I'm alot happier if im doing something for my boys, something productive,

something i can feel good about,

something i can be proud of.

If your calling me a "supermum" because im a mum

then awesome i'll wear that title with pride because

us mummas are ALL supermums

But if you're calling me a "supermum" because i had a crazy busy day

and still cooked a homecooked meal for my family, or im blogging or crafting then i kindly ask you not too.

I am no better, no more "super" then the next mum

I'm only a "super" mum because I am a mum.
Just like YOU are a "super" mum because you are a mum too.
No-one has super powers like a mumma
So lets all be "super" mums together

Busy Busy Busy.... STOP!

Do you ever reach a point in life where it feels like things just never stop?

That you feel like you dont get to ever sit down?

That there is always something to do?

image from here

I do!

I reached that point last week.

It seemed like i was always rushing around to get things done.

Always rushing to not be late.

Between daycare, speech therapy, playgroups, the gym, Library sessions, blogging, food shopping, swimming lessons and playing housewife

I always felt like there was something to do, places to be people to see

you know the drill

Now dont get me wrong i LOVE doing all of this.

I like to be busy.

All of these things i do for my babes just like the next mum

BUT

I've had enough.

Im exhausted.

There's busy and there's just stupid busy.

I don't want to rush anymore, I want to enjoy the momment.

Each one of those tasks makes me who i am, who my family are.

Each one brings some sort of joy or happiness.

Which is why I dont want to give any of these up

The only solution.... Its time for another attitude change.

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.

~ Maya Angelou

Love that quote and thats exactly what im going to do.

I'm not going to worry about being late for daycare, or playgroup

Its only going to be 5 minutes and honestly thats 5 mintues is 5 minutes more I get with my babes.

I'm not going to worry about the housework everyday

It will always be there tomrrow, I will sit down and play with my boys, even MORE.

I will start going to the gym more often.

It's only an hour out of my day and It's and hour for me. Thats important. I need to look after me too.

I will get things done... one day at a time

I am like this by nature i want everything to happen and be done right then and there

but everything dosen't have to be done at once on one night or one day.

Each night I will focus on one thing, craft, reading, couple time, computer time etc

Of course things will over lap but I won't stress that im not doing the "other thing."

I will cut down on Facebook

As much as i love it and i wan't to be on it,

It's time to 'schedule' a certain amount of time in per day for it

Facebook is way too time consuming and way to easy to access

thanks iPhone

I'm not missing anything

(another trait of mine i dislike)

The same high school drama and politics will be there tomrrow.

The same immatuirty, backstabbing & fake friends will be there to do my head in another day.

Minimising this will, with any luck give me more time to get more done... fingers crossed.

Some of these are physical, mental alterations others are an attitude change

Ither way you look at it they need to happen.

Life is too short

My children are only this age once

Its time to step back into the momment forget the other stuff and just BE...

Prioritising Me

I wrote a blog before i lost my lappy about not letting negativity and bad vibes bring me down

you can read it Here

I think i did pretty well, i felt a change in myself

Could it be maturity? hmm possible although i can still be silly somedays, but i made some huge changes

Could it be i've just had enough and need to concentrate on me and my kids? More then likely.

Some people out there wont understand why i do the things i do or am doing

and thats ok, they dont need to understand

because i need to do these things for Me

And Of course for my children too

but if i dont look after me i cant look after them.

No-one else matters.

Its time to put me first.

I am not in a good place today, i havnt been for a little while.

There is so much drama & hurt that i have just reached the point where i dont know what to do next.

My head is a mess.

I do however know that i NEED to do some things for ME

and not worry about anyone elses feelings.

Selfish? yes of course it is! and its about time i was! 

Coming from me being selfish gets me in trouble, people start to get angry at me, think im being nasty, think that i dont care

All because i am always so self less.

I dont want to say, "well not anymore" because i will never stop being like that

but i will say im taking some time out for me.

*I want ok neeed to get my hair cut

*I want to really get into cooking, it helps me so much, its so theraputic

which means i would love new kitchen equipment, mixer and bowls and pots & pans etc

*I have things i need to do for my FB business TeeLee Blue 

i almost gave it up and i dont want to have too make that decison again

*I want to spend more time with my children, do more things, re-create or vegie garden, cook with Master J, do arts & crafts, more silly time.

*I want to blogg more, more and more i want to learn lots about it too.

*I want to spend a little less time on FB.

this is hard with my business

i dont want to just disappear for days thats not me, i chose to be on it everyday

if i didnt want to be i simply wouldn't

i just love the easy interatction & most of the people on it 

so i deal with the drama and all the other crap but maybe i need to cut it back some.

*We need more family time.

It was so good there for awhile & then someone get too interested in other things

(thats another blog post completely!)

and we have suffered for it.

*I want a night out every now & then wether it be dinner with friends or just a hot choccie.

*I want to study event management or planning i think they are the same if not similar thing but ither or.

*I want to be happy with myself, even more organised  i just want to be me

Tara, not just mum, or a friend, or a sister, or a daughter..

Tara first then i know all these other things will follow.

I guess all these things will take time and thats ok i just need to be pro-active.

No more time wasting, no more procrastinating.

These things are what I need to do for ME

and in turn for my children.

They deserve more then i am giving right now and if putting me first to put them first

makes me selfish then bring it on i'll be selfish for the rest of my life.

 

Balancing Act

Im sure this post has been done to death but im having a Mum-ment! and need to vent

Over the past few weeks ive really been feeling the "perfect" pressure!

you kow that feeling where you have to have everythig prefect for your family?

or am i the only one?

Anywho im a SAHM and luuurve it, ive discovered its where im meant to be no matter how tough money gets time with my boys is worth more then anything.

along with the SAHM comes the "stigma" of SAHWife

which means home cooked meals, clean hosue, washing done, dishes done etc etc

Thats cool i can do that fo sure! somedays i even enjoy doing that

but lately it seems to have gotten on top of me.

Im feeling the pressure of having all of that plus more done everyday!

But theres not enough hours in the day for all of that and to raise 2 beautiful boys, to get my craft on, my blog on gees even my fb on (sad really i know)

Yes i know Fb, Blogging, Craft arent as important as spending time with my babies or running a household but as many SAHM know you need an outlet a window to the outside world pretty muchs so you dont get cabin fever right?

So it got me down and stressing out (as you do) about where i find me time

yes i said it MUMMY time because as much as i dedicate myself to my partner, children and house and chose this path mummy does need time too!!

"A happy mummy is a happy baby"

i fully 100% believe in this statement!

I think most mothers work better when they can get some down time some them time..

How do i find that balance? Why cant i just forget about the house work for just one day? Why does the house have to be clean and tidy every day (for me i know its because im a virgo but still grrr)

Why do i put so much pressure on myself? Why do we all put so much pressure on ourselves

Afterall we are only human right?

Is it because of the expectations from the media and society that if you're a SAHM you have to have the perfect life the perfect house, the perfect children, the perfect life?

That your a "bad mum" if you dont have it in the bag, balanced and under control?

So id love to know what your thoughts are? Do you feel the pressure somedays?

How do you balance your days?

image from here