Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Little Red "Mothering" Wagon

On the back of the gorgeous post, Sergeant Should
from the beatuful Sunny Mummy Stacey
I wanted to post this post.
I wrote it not that long ago, 3rd of February to be exact
I had it posted on a blog as anonymous of someone I once respected & trusted

Some of it has changed as my friendship circle has changed

But the feelings of not coping are coming back again
Im starting to feel out of conrol again
The one feeling I dont like

Staceys post helped me so much! I know its ok that everything will be ok
But i just wanted to share this post because
Its a place I HAVE been
and In this momment starting to fight again.
At least I now know the light at the end of the tunnel really does keep shining



What do you do you when the very person that holds your whole life together starts to crash?
What do you do when you are that person?

Ok so i guess that might sound like im up myself
but you name me one mother who does not keep the household, children, family togther, running like clock work.

Im not going to pussyfoot around here, im coming straight out and saying it
yep thats right i said it!
All of a sudden the wheels on that little red mothering wagon are starting to fall off
one by one..

I cry, i scream, im stressed
My partner and i fight, i could almost say i want him too leave
I get sick of hearing him constantly fighting with our children, sick of him playing the "oh i cant cope" card
hunni try living it 24hrs a day 7 days a week and then get back to me
At least you can escape to work or off to one of your "activities"
What time do i get? Wheres MUM's time?
I hate everything i ask him to do is SUCH a task, that its like im asking him just to piss him off, that i cant even go have a 5 minute shower to refresh because he "thinks" he cant handle it
(for the record he did fine!)
I hate he makes me feel like he wants to be anywhere on earth then sitting next to me or spending time with his kids.
I hate he makes me feel all of this

Our children,
I love them to pieces, theres nothing i wouldnt do for them i live for them
 but Master 3 is doing my head in,
He kicks, he screams (probably becuase we do i know), he hits, he throws things, he hits his sibling, he trashes the house upturing clothes, toyboxes, recycling anything he can reach he dumps on the floor
He has no attention span, he moves from one activity to another, he cant sit still.
He is High Demand
and i cant handle it anymore.
I dont know what to do!

I am at breaking point,
i want to walk out, turn my back on everything and everyone
but i know its not the answer.
I need to stay and fight this, fight for my family, fight for my sanity
I need to see a Doctor.

I have no support, nothing! people say they are "there for me" but are you really?
Why am i the only one that has to ask for help?
No-one understands my life, because they are not living it
Everyone seems to compare and their day their situation has to be worse then mine.
I understand everyones situation is differnt that people handle things differntly but that dosent mean i dont count!
Why cant i have a bad day?
Because i am seemingly strong? Like i am holding it together?
Becaue i am still putting everyone elses needs before my own?, because i will drop everything to help the ones i love? 
Acting is easy TRUST me, you dont know what goes on behind closed doors!
But do you ever stop to ask?
Do you ever think that "strong" "holding it together" person isnt coping?
I am selfless its who i am regardless of my problems i am always there for EVERYONE, i dont wait for them to ask i see they need help and i do it
 but i am now paying for it, i have no-one to blame but myself.
My life is spinning out of control and i have no idea how to stop it.
How to get back too 2 months ago where i was coping,
where i could laze on the couch and not care that there was toys everywhere, or washing to fold or floors to mop

Where has that person gone? How do i find her again?
How do i find ME!
I love being a mother but i think as many of us do the real me has gotten pushed aside and the mummy panties are on full time.

Im sure there is light at the end of the tunnel but at the momment this tunnel is very dark and very lonely and i am trying to find my way out on my own.

Im not ashamed, I am scared but I am also REAL
So can someone hand me a torch?

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