A weekend... Just me...

If you are on my personal facebook page or follow me on Instagram you would know things havn't been good the past 3 weeks.

I have not been myself, I have no been happy nor have I been a very good friend or mother.

9 months ago I found Love everything was fabulous! I was so happy.

9 days ago it all ended.

It was something that nither of us wanted. It was something that had to happen.

He's a good guy, he really is. He did so much for my self esteem and confidence. For that I will always been thankful. (even if it has taken a beating the past few weeks.)

He just wasn't ready and I needed more.

Outside influences (more then one *they*) started to affect us badly they became too much to bear, the stress and pure fustration I had to go through because of said influences I will NEVER forget.

They straight out ruined what we had.

They acheived what they wanted. We reached a point where we had to let them win.
(karma will solve that problem eventually)

I don't understand why we couldn't just be left alone.

Bitter dosen't look good on anyone, we just wanted to be happy, letting us would have been the bigger thing to do, but no they just couldn't let it go, it was never going to be possible.


So here I am now, today.

Ready to spend the whole weekend alone
No children
No boyfriend
Just me.

People are telling me enjoy it, do things for you, it was only 9 months etc etc and I will a small part of me will.
But this first weekend is going to be the hardest. It may have only been 9 months but we were joining to lives together, we were creating a blended family, we were growing... together.

And...
I am still nursing the wounds.
I am still trying to understand.
I am still trying to heal my heart.


I havnt been alone in 9 months...

Just as I stepped into that relationship I was starting to find me again and was actually cherishing the weekends I had to myself.

Now I am starting from square one again.

So this weekend I plan to heal.

I plan to, sleep in, to cook, eat chinese takeaway, drink cider, do craft, project life, blog, create things for my boys, work, talk to my friends, enjoy the sunshine, get ontop of my laundry!, listen to music, watch movies and just be.

It will hurt, I will cry but only a little bit.

Once I am through this weekend everything will be easier.

Once I am through this weekend I have so many fun and positive things ahead of me the Royal Adelaide Show, Lil C's 2nd birthday, My birthday, A trip to Tassie to see my bestie, Moving house and Christmas!
Thats only the things I have planned there will be so many other things that just pop up.

I couldn't have gotten through the past few weeks withouth my friends and support from them. For that I am eternally grateful.

For now and into the future it's just me and my babies again...

Just us 3.

 

Friendship & My Turning Point

About a month ago I reached a point where I felt a change in myself.

For weeks I had been struggling to find my happy place again

It was affecting everything but more then anything It was affecting how I was with my kids.

I wanted to get back to being the mum I aim to be but I was struggling

How could I be that mum when I wasn't happy in myself.

Alot of friends turned their backs on me after the seperation

and that made things even worse.

All I kept asking myself was how could they not understand that I wasn't the person I was a few weeks before it happened.

Amongst the pain, confusion and tears 2 ladies stood by me

Never not understanding

Never trying to make me feel anything then what I needed to feel

Never trying to push me into being "better"

Lauren and Em

my angels

The 2 girls who waitied and watched but never walked away as I went through the motions

Who listened to me bitch and moan

Watched me make mistakes but never judged

Who gave me endless amounts of compassion and advice
Who were always just a text message away no matter the time of day or night.

These girls mean the world to me

they both live interstate and both have their own hectic lives

I've only met Lauren once and Never met Em

but you wouldn't know it

Our friendship is amazing and special

and I would be lost without them

If it wasn't for these 2 girls

I wouldn't have reached my turning point when I did
I would still be an emotional mess.

How many of you use the phrase

"tomorrow is a new day"

Now how many of you say it and actually mean it?

I know I use to say it all the time but never actually meant it

yeah tomorrow was a new day but not in the way where yesterdays problems were actually that, yesterdays problems

Until a month ago

Until the support and love from my angels actually came into play

I said that phrase one more time

"tomorrow is a new day"

and I actually meant it

I felt it inside me

I truly believed that tomorrow was my chance to wak eup and start a fresh
Tomorrow was for the taking
Tomorrow could be whatever I wanted to make it without that days issues affecting it.

From that day on things felt differnt

I felt happy and confident

The biggest thing was..

I knew I was finally back on track.

Of course days are still going to be hard, thats just life

I've had 2 of those days already this week

But you know what?

Tomorrow is a new day

Its been awhile

Since I've felt the desire to blog

Since I've had some of my copius amounts of motivation

Both of which seem to have come back.. somewhat

Life hasn't been easy the past 3-4 months

We've had a huge life change and both myself and the kids have had a hard time adjusting

I am well on my way to the other side as are the boys

But things got tough again so I opted out of the blog-osphere and prioritised

Best decison I have ever made!

I wont lie Mr S and I have had some mega fights recently mainly over visitation

It got to the point where he had me in tears with things that have nothing to do with him anymore

Its been horrible

I think, well hope really that finally we have reached a happy medium.

Other then that things are fabulous!

I am enjoying being a single mumma its hard work but the days are getting easier and happier

I am finding keeping us all busy works, even if its for only half a day!

I am still enjoying being at work, I'm still finding time to get my nails done and cook

Im still orgainisng and meal planning

I've found time to do more craft, oh and the Christmas Craft woohoo

I've even found time to read my books or a magazine or watch a DVD

The only way I've been able to do this is to prioritise, organise and not sit down of a night time

until im done.. it works for me :)

Lil C is finally walking non-stop now not just a few toddles here and there 

so Master J is having a ball having a little play friend

although they are quite differnt so there are plenty of fights!

His talking is coming along alot quicker then master Js was at the same age which is one less stress off my shoulders for the time being at least

He's still ym smiley little owlet and he is defiantly a mummas boy, we are very alike.

Master J is still coming in huge leaps with this speech and toilet training... most days without alot of fuss

He's excitied for Christmas this year, he still dosent fully understand but the look on his face when he saw the decorations was amazing

But not as good as his reaction at the Christmas pageant the other weekend.

Yes I was crazy enough and a Christmas freak enough to brave the pageant alone, with 2 kids on a hot day

It was a total success though.. just saying ;)

Both of the boys areLOVING being outside especially in the pool and under the play castle sprinkler

which is working perfectly for me as they entertain each other and I can sit and watch or potter around inside, close by.

I guess you could say things are going great

I have turned a corner (a blog post will come about that) and despite any other drama things are looking up!

Which leads me to the slight change in my bloggy direction

After seeing a post and some of the comments on the fabulous Nathalies FB page

 Easy Peasy Kids

about not enough blogs out there that dont fit the stereotypical mould of "ideal/perfect family"

I have decided to focus a little more on showing you how I cope being a single mother

Im not 100% sure how it will work out, what I might even right about 

but Its a challenge I want to take.

In saying that if theres anything you want to see me write about,

or how I cope with certain things just let me know and I'll try my best to explain

you can ither leave it in the comments section or e-mail me at

taramuller@hotmail.com

Along with this new focus there will be a slight change on meal planning day, lots more craft, definatly some Christmas posts and of course some link ups and every day rambles.

So stay tuned...

On that note, before I burn your eyes with any more ramble I shall leave this post at that!

It feels good to be semi-back.. again.. for like the 3rd time

But as they say 3rd times a charm.

A helping 3 year old hand

If you've followed me long enough you will remember I've had a little more trouble then usual 

with Master J

since his dad and I split up

It was never going to be easy but add his developmental delay to it and we were going to have to work extra hard to help him understand & control the emotions he would be feeling too.

As the weeks go by it seem we start to manage one problem and then another starts

behaviour, not eating, lashing out

The days were getting long and tiring and very emotional for both of us

But after speaking with his speech & behavioural therapists
Nathalie of Easy Peasy Kids

and some of my gorgeous friends

I am feeling alot clearer on how to handle his behaviour.

At the momment Master J is all about attention

He will sit for hours if I let him just constantly repeating "mum mum mum mum mum"

Apart from it driving me absolutly crazy! Its not productive for ither of us

The other thing that I have noticed is his increase in appetitie and thirst

All day and I'm not even kidding when I say ALL day

He is asking for food or a drink

I could make all the healthiest homemade food in the world & he would still be asking for more

This is a work in progress too!

So I have decided to involve him more in our every day mundane activities

Which, if you know me personally is HUGE for me

Its not that I dont want the help its just that I find it easier to do it myself.

But of course for the sake of my boy I have let go a little

I've already started letting him help with the preparation of dinner and snacks

This afternoon he helped me fill up all their drink bottles

I'm getting him to help me with Lil C at bath time

and packing nappy bags and bags for when we go out

So far in a few days with just these few simple tasks, things seem to be starting to get better

The more he helps the calmer and more responsive he is starting to become

Next on the to do list

Is letters from daddy as he loves to check the letterbox for "letters"

(idea from Easy Peasy Kids)

the countdown to when he sees his dad next, he's a real daddys boy

and happy and sad faces to help him understand mine & his own feelings

(idea was from Easy Peasy Kids)

We are still on that very long road ahead 

But I am feeling much more confident and Its helping me learn alot too

Its helping me to let go and live in the momment more

Which can only benefit all 3 of us in the end

I love my boys more then anything, and despite my own quirks and personality traits

I will do whatever it takes to help them

Mess and scraps in dinner included

Thats just what us mummys do!

What little tasks around the house do you let your kiddies help with?

It never rains it pours

Today has been a torential down pour of crap

There is no other way of saying it.

I have had so many good days that it was inevitable that I would stumble across a pretty shitty day.

And thats ok

I am only human, my situation is nothing new

So Im allowed to have a shitty day

It allows me to wake up tomorrow full of sunshine, rainbows and lollipops.

This situation dosen't come with instructions or rules

It seems to come with alot of expectations from others

But the only expectation I had was we would be civil for the boys sake

and so would the people closest to us

It seems that half of that expectation was a little high

and let me tell you

lesson learnt!

Things are far from perfect between us

we are still arguing and bickering

and thats not what ither of us want

I feel like its just the natural progression of the situation

I just wish other people wouldn't get involved

It makes it worse

Thinking about it now the other expectation I had would be things would remain the same between

certain circles

and I have learnt the hard way that, that too was an expectation that was way too high

Although to me It's nothing I wouldn't have expected if it was someone else in the same situation

But I guess thats just me?

One of the biggest things I've learn't through out this spilt is

I am differnt

The way I have handled things seems to be left of centre for most

The way I think about what has happened is completely differnt to others

The way I see things is not how others see it

The things I know I need seem to be nothing like what other people think I need

I'm undecided on wether being differnt in this situation is a good thing or not

But at the end of the day

I have to ask myself

Do I really want to be, think or feel like everyone else?

Pretty sure Taylor swift is onto something here

Or is staying true to myself the best way to overcome this and come out stronger at the end?

So I guess the answer is pretty clear right?...

I am who I am take it or leave it

I can't and won't change

because there are people out there that really do Love me for me.

I may lose friends, I may lose respect, I may even lose family

But whatever happens, happens I cant change fate

All is not lost thought I will

Find new friends, gain a new found respect from others and become closer to other family

Life Isn't easy and you have to overcome hundreds of obstacles throughout

How you handle them and how you come out of them is what really matters

One day again soon

things will go back to normal I know thats true

Its just trying to wade through all the shit days and focus on the good that is draining

But as Katy Perry says in her song Firework

"If only knew what the future holds

After a hurricane comes a rainbow"

My rainbow is coming...

*image from pinterest

Feeling Like Tara Again

I've been a single mumma for almost 7 weeks now

and it's been hard

Some days are fabulous and others arent so great at all

Amongst the good days things seem like a right old mess

and just cant seem to be fixed right now and not from a lack of trying

I've made choices that aren't really the best for me but I'm working on it

but all of it is teaching me things about myself

my strengths and weakness's, how much I will tolerate & how much I need certain things

In saying that though I have had to occupy my mind with other things

because things aren't getting better in some aspects

I have thrown myself into finding me again

thrown myself into Blossoming into me

*image credit

As I've said in this post here I'm not exactly sure how to do that or what I'm looking for

but I guess you could say things are happening?

* I'm trying to look after myself & move some of this baby weight

Im not far off at all

I'm eating healthy and actually eating 3 times a day all healthy plus healthy snacks

drinking lots of water & working is helping too

I'm going to zumba classes once a week & I even brought a dance DVD 

* I'm planning for Christmas

it will just be me and the boys so Im going all out

and I am so so so excitied!

* I purchased the TAFE guide and have 2 courses that I am interested in

I just have to take that tentative step and apply

because could i really do it all?

Mother, be me, work, blog and study?

I guess theres only one way to find out right?

* I am starting to come back to being the mum I was

yes its true through all of this my mothering has slacked slightly

Dont get me wrong my boys are looked after they are fed, bathed & clothed

But the fun had gone

The outings the activites

Buts its all coming back.. slowly

The mother I want to be is starting to blossom again

* I am hoping to take my friend up on her offer for a little mini holiday

To where she is living now

I think it will be perfect for me and the boys

especially if its gorgeous weather

* Another big thought, that only happened today was a move interstate

Honestly I havn't really thought about it but I'm kinda thinking why not?

What's holding me here?

The boys are young enough to adapt

we would be walking into an already established circle of friends all who have kiddies!

The only thing is obviously its not a "on the whim" decison

There is so much to consider

But at least I can think about it right?

There is always room for possibility

* I'm trying to do things for me

I am in the process of making my room all about me

making it my safe place, my place to relax in

I am also saving up for a lavish hair cut and colour, I think I deserve it

I'm trying to re-ignite my passion for craft and its coming back a little bit

At one stage I was inspiring people that felt awesome

I want to get back to that

* I'm cooking more

the motivation for yummy meals every night is semi back

and Im loving the fact my freezer is full and finding new recipes

After reading this Post & Giveaway the other day from over at the gorgeous Naomis blog

 Seven Cherubs

I know I am on the right track

and that i really must get this book!

Looking at this list

I'm making positive steps

I still feel alone and scared of being alone 

but my future is looking brighter

Things aren't perfect right now and I knew they wouldn't be

But there is light at the end of the tunnel

and today... I have hope

What do you do to find you?

*edited for image credit forgot it again damn it lol

No-one understands

No-one seems to understand how I'm feeling

I am coping with this thats for certain

When I say I'm ok i really am ok

Im not great, Im not fantastic

I am simply just that... OK

Im getting through 1 day and into the next as best I can

I'm not sitting in a corner crying, I'm not laying in bed all day

Life goes on I have 2 small children that need me

Im managing, just but I'm doing what I need to do to get through

But somedays straight out SUCK

Somedays I cry.. alot

In the shower

In the car

At night when the boys are asleep

I dont cry because I miss him

I cry because I'm alone

I cry because I crave Love

I cry because I crave to feel special & beautiful again

I cry because I wish that the situation I am in now with the people in my life now

was 6 months into the future where things could be differnt

where I would be past this stage

I cry because if things hadn't of changed all that time ago

I wouldn't be crying now

I said that its my time to shine

my time to be me

Other people are saying it too & its all true

But how do I do what I want when I dont even know what that is

How do I just be me when I dont even know how to be me

I am getting out there and doing things

I get my nails done

Im going to the gym again

Im seeing friends when I can

Going out for dinner & hot chocolates

My house is being decluttered

Im starting my scrapbooking & crafting again

But once my boys are in bed 

I'm alone

I have no-one to share in my day

To kiss & cuddle

To talk to

To flirt with.

And its not easy

I enjoy all of that

I like the company of a partner especially when they can full-fill all those needs

and there's nothing wrong with that it's just who I am.

I dont want nor do I need another relationship right now

But it dosen't stop me missing the good times & fun that can be had in one.

*image

The weekends the boys aren't here are the hardest

Yes crazy I know

I have all this child free time to do what I want un-interrupted & I just dont want it

The amount of time i actually have to myself is daunting

How do I fill it all in?

How do I just enjoy this time without wishing myself into the future?

Whatever happens, happens I need to let the universe play my cards

But how do I enjoy being me?

Today the days ahead look long and lonely

Tomorrow hopefully they are full of light & life

*edited to add image credit