Just not this morning, we are going out!

My boys slept in today *high 5*

and when we finally all woke up I woke up feeling tired

which is pretty normal for me at the momment work seems to be taking alot of me

At the end of the days I am exhausted and just want to go to bed I have no time for anything else.

So as I lay in bed with the babes I checked facebook on my iPhone

as I normally do

and I ended up feeling

overwhelmed...

all I saw were the constant reminders of all the things I have to do and how little time I have

or my biggest problem how much motivation I'm lacking.

I decided then & there that I would get to everything I had to-do

Ither today, tonight, tomrrow, this week

Just not this morning

Alot happened in bloggy land last night and I missed it all

Now I feel out of the loop with no time to sit and catch up

It was bad enough I felt I had no time for blogging or even any worth while content

but now I feel completely lost, this was the straw that broke my overwhelmed back

BUT...

I will catch up eventuall & share my bloggy love for all my favs ~ just not this morning

I will unpack my groceries from yesterday, (because seeing my friends was more important) ~ just not this morning

I will wash, hang & fold the clothes ~ just not this morning

I will finish my exrtemely patient friends wooden letters ~ just not this morning

I will finish my beautiful friends wipes case for her darling new neice ~ just not this morning

I will finish the preparation for the Little Monsters Market which is in a few weeks ~ just not this morning

I will load and put the dishwasher on (becaue a clean kitchen makes me extremely calm & happy) ~ just not this morning

I will really sit down & deal with the feelings and emotions I have for you ~ just not this morning

I will honour all my commitments, promises and everything in between ~ just not this morning

Because this morning I am packing my babes in the car with bikes & prams in tow

and going for a walk/ride down the beach to the playground

where we will have hot chippies for lunch,

enjoy the fresh air, enjoy the sunshine

and

Live in the momment

Its time for me to disconnect for a few hours and come back feeling refreshed because

It will all be here when I get back.

How do you handle feeling overwhelemed? do you disconnect like I do, Just keep on going or have a differnt way of handling things?



Embracing the good

**image

Ok so no secret I've been rather blue lately

I blame the weather and the chain of events that happend from putting myself first.

Add money, end of maternity leave, silly little things going wrong and too many ideas, not enough time

and it makes for one miserable mumma.

Where it really shouldn't be making me glum.

I finally reached a point yesterday where I said, enough!

There is no need to be this miserable

BUT

how do I get myself out of it?

Where do I start?

Who do I talk to?

The answer to the last question was easy, the gorgeous Naomi of Seven Cherubs

Someone I trust even though we've never met, someone I respect.

I put all these "issues" forward to her

Im sure she thinks I'm a drama queen ;)

And her reply was simple but powerful!

Feeling like this is perfectly normal

Maybe I'm looking for the negatives thats why I feel like thats all thats happening to us

and

Maybe I need to lower my expectations and think about the things that happen differntly.

I read her reply email a few times

each time agreeing more and more

Naomi thought maybe her words wouldn't help me

but they helped more then expected!

This mummy of 7 cherubs was completely right

The only way to change my mood was to change my thinking.

The silly thing is I believe all those types of quotes yet I havn't been living them out..

      **image                            **image

But It's always easy to believe then actually apply it to your life right?

Or is that just me :|

Yesterday the sun was shininng we had clear blue skys

so i bundled my babes, the pram and Master J's Cars bike

and took them down to the beach.

We walked and he rode and we sat at the playground in the sunshine

and I pondered

I pondered Naomis words

How was I going to change all this negativity that seems to be consuming our lives.

Seeing as I cant change the weather

I need to change my attitude

Its time to...

*no image credit found

It's time to find the good in every situation.

The good in every day.

My babes are a given good, every day they make me happy, no question

Its finding the good in the rest of my life.

And what better way to do that then to blog about it.

Now of course life has ups & downs, good & bad

But i think I'm focusing more on the negatives then the positives

and this is what this will be all about

foucsing on the positives

having them all in one spot, out in the open

so if I start to feel like im slipping back to the negatives

I can see all the wonderful, amazing things I really do have going on in my life.

I've decided that every Monday

well hopefully

I will post about all the good positive things I found in my last week.

At least 1 for every day with pictures and quotes.

I started finding yesterday and i will Blog it a week from tomrrow so i get the full weeks worth.

This way I am comitted to finding the good and I hope you will all hold me to it too.

And if Im up for it I'll post a status on the Mum-ments Facebook page with one good thing from my day.

I would love to see what good everyone else finds in there day :)

Its time to change

Its time to...

**image

I have to send the biggest thankyou to Naomi

I am almost a complete stranger to her, yet she found the time in her busy life to give me her perspective.

and for this I am truly grateful

Somtimes an outsiders ideas, thoughts and views are all we need to kick start ourselves.

Little Red "Mothering" Wagon

On the back of the gorgeous post, Sergeant Should
from the beatuful Sunny Mummy Stacey
I wanted to post this post.
I wrote it not that long ago, 3rd of February to be exact
I had it posted on a blog as anonymous of someone I once respected & trusted

Some of it has changed as my friendship circle has changed

But the feelings of not coping are coming back again
Im starting to feel out of conrol again
The one feeling I dont like

Staceys post helped me so much! I know its ok that everything will be ok
But i just wanted to share this post because
Its a place I HAVE been
and In this momment starting to fight again.
At least I now know the light at the end of the tunnel really does keep shining

xx
.......................................................................................................................................

'

*image

What do you do you when the very person that holds your whole life together starts to crash?

What do you do when you are that person?

Ok so i guess that might sound like im up myself

but you name me one mother who does not keep the household, children, family togther, running like clock work.

Im not going to pussyfoot around here, im coming straight out and saying it

I AM NOT COPING!

yep thats right i said it!

All of a sudden the wheels on that little red mothering wagon are starting to fall off

one by one..

I cry, i scream, im stressed

My partner and i fight, i could almost say i want him too leave

I get sick of hearing him constantly fighting with our children, sick of him playing the "oh i cant cope" card

hunni try living it 24hrs a day 7 days a week and then get back to me

At least you can escape to work or off to one of your "activities"

What time do i get? Wheres MUM's time?

I hate everything i ask him to do is SUCH a task, that its like im asking him just to piss him off, that i cant even go have a 5 minute shower to refresh because he "thinks" he cant handle it

(for the record he did fine!)

I hate he makes me feel like he wants to be anywhere on earth then sitting next to me or spending time with his kids.

I hate he makes me feel all of this

Our children,

I love them to pieces, theres nothing i wouldnt do for them i live for them

 but Master 3 is doing my head in,

He kicks, he screams (probably becuase we do i know), he hits, he throws things, he hits his sibling, he trashes the house upturing clothes, toyboxes, recycling anything he can reach he dumps on the floor

He has no attention span, he moves from one activity to another, he cant sit still.

He is High Demand

and i cant handle it anymore.

I dont know what to do!

I am at breaking point,

i want to walk out, turn my back on everything and everyone

but i know its not the answer.

I need to stay and fight this, fight for my family, fight for my sanity

I need to see a Doctor.

I have no support, nothing! people say they are "there for me" but are you really?

Why am i the only one that has to ask for help?

No-one understands my life, because they are not living it

Everyone seems to compare and their day their situation has to be worse then mine.

I understand everyones situation is differnt that people handle things differntly but that dosent mean i dont count!

Why cant i have a bad day?

Because i am seemingly strong? Like i am holding it together?

Becaue i am still putting everyone elses needs before my own?, because i will drop everything to help the ones i love? 

Acting is easy TRUST me, you dont know what goes on behind closed doors!

But do you ever stop to ask?

Do you ever think that "strong" "holding it together" person isnt coping?

I am selfless its who i am regardless of my problems i am always there for EVERYONE, i dont wait for them to ask i see they need help and i do it

 but i am now paying for it, i have no-one to blame but myself.

My life is spinning out of control and i have no idea how to stop it.

How to get back too 2 months ago where i was coping,

where i could laze on the couch and not care that there was toys everywhere, or washing to fold or floors to mop

Where has that person gone? How do i find her again?

How do i find ME!

I love being a mother but i think as many of us do the real me has gotten pushed aside and the mummy panties are on full time.

Im sure there is light at the end of the tunnel but at the momment this tunnel is very dark and very lonely and i am trying to find my way out on my own.

Im not ashamed, I am scared but I am also REAL

So can someone hand me a torch?

Its a Bird! No its a plane...

No its SuperMum!

*image

Who? Me? really?

Over the past few months I've had a few people call me "supermum"

and in all honesty I really dont know how to take it.

I get offened sometimes, mainly just brush it off and say thanks

not sure what im thanking them for but it seems like the right thing to say.

I dont see myself as a "supermum"

I am a mum

I cook, i clean, i bath

I teach, I cuddle, I wipe bums

I Laugh, I giggle, I Cry

I rock babies, pat backs and tuck sheets in

I keep them warm and content and happy

But dont all mums?

I guess some of the people who have made this comment are saying it in the nicest way

with the nicest intentions because they see how much i do on a daily basis

But i dont think its any more then some.

I would say yes its more the most

 but im sure there mummas out there doing more and kudos to them i say!

I am a mum 1st

A partner

A housewife

A friend

I Blog

I have a small FB business

I have a FB addiction

 siiigh yes its true but im getting better ;)

I plan and organsie

We go to playgroup once a week

and

We go to speech therapy once a week

Daycare is twice a week and kindy will start in the new year

And quite possibly i shall be going back to work in august.

But none of that makes me extraordinary.

That makes me a mum, that makes me, me!

So where does the "super" come from?

I have the choice to stop pretty much half of that list at any time and somedays i do nothing

I mean nothing no housework no blogging no crafting

I sit in a messy lounge room relaxing & playing with the boys

But most of the time i am doing something.

My mind runs a million miles an hour with ideas or planning

that i wish i could stop its exhuasting

But its who i am, I am busy

If I stop, I over think, I get down, I start to beat myself up.

Its easier and I'm alot happier if im doing something for my boys, something productive,

something i can feel good about,

something i can be proud of.

If your calling me a "supermum" because im a mum

then awesome i'll wear that title with pride because

us mummas are ALL supermums

But if you're calling me a "supermum" because i had a crazy busy day

and still cooked a homecooked meal for my family, or im blogging or crafting then i kindly ask you not too.

I am no better, no more "super" then the next mum

I'm only a "super" mum because I am a mum.
Just like YOU are a "super" mum because you are a mum too.
No-one has super powers like a mumma
So lets all be "super" mums together

Baby sitting & Mothers guilt

We all know the general idea of mothers guilt

I feel it just as many mothers do

My biggest guilt trip is when it comes to having my boys baby sat.

Im writing this becase i need a break

not just a hubby takes the boys for a few hours or put them in childcare break

no I'm in desperate need of an over night mummy gets to sleep in,

 and can potter around during the day with no distractions type break.

Just writing that has already given me the guilts!

Why should I "need" a break from my children

Why cant I be the "perfect" mother and have "happy smiling" children.

Why cant i just suck it up & mother them 24/7

There are plenty of mums out there who dont have a baby sitting option at all

If they can do it why cant I?

The fact that i "need" a break is enough to make me cry, it makes me feel like im failing

But the thought of asking someone to look after them sends me into hysterics.

I dont even remember the last time one of my boys was away from me "just because."

Master J had a sleepover the night before we were induced with Lil C

Lil C is almost 10 months old :|

They were both looked after for most of a day so i could attend a market for my FB business

but their dad picked them up after work.

They are the last 2 times they were looked after

and both times it was for a reason.

both times I felt like i had asked too much.

I guess I look at it like

I chose to have my babies

So why should i ask someone else to look after them?

They are my partners and I responsibility, no-one elses.

I feel like they are all thinking if she didn't want to look after her kids why did she have them

I want to be a mother who can ask family for some help

I only need it every now and then

I dont want them looked after 100 times a week

once or twice a month would be fabulous

Just so Mr S & I can work on our realtionship

a date night would be heaven

Gees a dinner/lunch date and we pick the kids up after would be amazing.

I just cant ask though.

I cant bring myself to ask someone to take responsibility for my children just because i need a break.

I dont want to be made to feel like i am placing a "burden" upon them by asking.

I dont want there to be conditions of them being taken care of

Why should there be?

It dosen't help that no-one is willing to look after Master J

No-one can "handle" him

But you know what some days I cant ither

Somedays he is so full on that I cant do anything but pay him attention until Lil C needs me

or he is distracted by something.

All of which is buring me out

All of which is why I need some respite.

I know I need to do something the right intentions are there, on my behalf

but by not taking that huge step and asking

my boys are missing out

They are missing out on building relationships with grandparents and auntys

With cousins and family.

They are starting to become trapped in my little bubble

because of how im made to feel about things.

Which of course just adds to this mothers guilt.

*image from here

Tears, mumma bear angry & breathing again.

After days, weeks, months and years,

I still feel like an outsider.

What do I have to do to be worth their acceptance?

There is bitchyness behind backs, favouritism, secret gatherings.

Plans are made we are not thought of.

Well until last minute then we/I are an after thought.

Not a nice feeling

There is vindictivness, sublte but it's there, i see it like a red flag.

My children miss out the most.

My heart breaks for them

I cry for them

I dont want them to suffer the same feelings I have all my life.

I want them to fit in I want them to be accepted.

I don't want them treated like they are a chore or an imposition.

They are blood I am not

Yet it means nothing.

You dont like me? Fine! firstly tell me but dont take it out on my boys.

They want nothing more to be loved, to be treated the same.

It's starting to affect me more then it ever has before.

I dont trust the words anymore, i get anxious if we ever are involved in something.

I get angry, mother bear angry!

I want to pack my boys up and disappear away from it all.

Would they miss us? I don't think so i really don't

I want them to hurt the way i hurt.

I want them to see what they are doing because honestly i dont think they even realise.

Voicing this is not an option

It would lead to more of the above and im already dealing with more then i can handle.

More then anyone is capable of dealing with.

What does it take to add myself to their circle.

To stop the judgement and gain the friendship.

They are no better then me i "know" this

Yet they make me feel worthless.

The thought of what is being said behind my back is enough to send me to tears.

I am anxious enough to not want to post this,

I can't even fathom the reaction if one of them stumbled across it.

yes not even my blog is a safe place anymore,

yet i need to get it out there.

I'm over trying

I don't have any more fight in me.

I wont be holding my breath in anticpation any longer

whats the point I'm already turning blue

enoughs enough.

I need my breath back

I need to breath life into myself and my children again

Give them everything they aren't getting from who should be giving it to them.

Thought i would join up with the lovely Glowless and Flog My Blog

well this post as this post will never make it to FB

*edited so i could add the funky FYBF icon

Busy Busy Busy.... STOP!

Do you ever reach a point in life where it feels like things just never stop?

That you feel like you dont get to ever sit down?

That there is always something to do?

image from here

I do!

I reached that point last week.

It seemed like i was always rushing around to get things done.

Always rushing to not be late.

Between daycare, speech therapy, playgroups, the gym, Library sessions, blogging, food shopping, swimming lessons and playing housewife

I always felt like there was something to do, places to be people to see

you know the drill

Now dont get me wrong i LOVE doing all of this.

I like to be busy.

All of these things i do for my babes just like the next mum

BUT

I've had enough.

Im exhausted.

There's busy and there's just stupid busy.

I don't want to rush anymore, I want to enjoy the momment.

Each one of those tasks makes me who i am, who my family are.

Each one brings some sort of joy or happiness.

Which is why I dont want to give any of these up

The only solution.... Its time for another attitude change.

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.

~ Maya Angelou

Love that quote and thats exactly what im going to do.

I'm not going to worry about being late for daycare, or playgroup

Its only going to be 5 minutes and honestly thats 5 mintues is 5 minutes more I get with my babes.

I'm not going to worry about the housework everyday

It will always be there tomrrow, I will sit down and play with my boys, even MORE.

I will start going to the gym more often.

It's only an hour out of my day and It's and hour for me. Thats important. I need to look after me too.

I will get things done... one day at a time

I am like this by nature i want everything to happen and be done right then and there

but everything dosen't have to be done at once on one night or one day.

Each night I will focus on one thing, craft, reading, couple time, computer time etc

Of course things will over lap but I won't stress that im not doing the "other thing."

I will cut down on Facebook

As much as i love it and i wan't to be on it,

It's time to 'schedule' a certain amount of time in per day for it

Facebook is way too time consuming and way to easy to access

thanks iPhone

I'm not missing anything

(another trait of mine i dislike)

The same high school drama and politics will be there tomrrow.

The same immatuirty, backstabbing & fake friends will be there to do my head in another day.

Minimising this will, with any luck give me more time to get more done... fingers crossed.

Some of these are physical, mental alterations others are an attitude change

Ither way you look at it they need to happen.

Life is too short

My children are only this age once

Its time to step back into the momment forget the other stuff and just BE...

Prioritising Me

I wrote a blog before i lost my lappy about not letting negativity and bad vibes bring me down

you can read it Here

I think i did pretty well, i felt a change in myself

Could it be maturity? hmm possible although i can still be silly somedays, but i made some huge changes

Could it be i've just had enough and need to concentrate on me and my kids? More then likely.

Some people out there wont understand why i do the things i do or am doing

and thats ok, they dont need to understand

because i need to do these things for Me

And Of course for my children too

but if i dont look after me i cant look after them.

No-one else matters.

Its time to put me first.

I am not in a good place today, i havnt been for a little while.

There is so much drama & hurt that i have just reached the point where i dont know what to do next.

My head is a mess.

I do however know that i NEED to do some things for ME

and not worry about anyone elses feelings.

Selfish? yes of course it is! and its about time i was! 

Coming from me being selfish gets me in trouble, people start to get angry at me, think im being nasty, think that i dont care

All because i am always so self less.

I dont want to say, "well not anymore" because i will never stop being like that

but i will say im taking some time out for me.

*I want ok neeed to get my hair cut

*I want to really get into cooking, it helps me so much, its so theraputic

which means i would love new kitchen equipment, mixer and bowls and pots & pans etc

*I have things i need to do for my FB business TeeLee Blue 

i almost gave it up and i dont want to have too make that decison again

*I want to spend more time with my children, do more things, re-create or vegie garden, cook with Master J, do arts & crafts, more silly time.

*I want to blogg more, more and more i want to learn lots about it too.

*I want to spend a little less time on FB.

this is hard with my business

i dont want to just disappear for days thats not me, i chose to be on it everyday

if i didnt want to be i simply wouldn't

i just love the easy interatction & most of the people on it 

so i deal with the drama and all the other crap but maybe i need to cut it back some.

*We need more family time.

It was so good there for awhile & then someone get too interested in other things

(thats another blog post completely!)

and we have suffered for it.

*I want a night out every now & then wether it be dinner with friends or just a hot choccie.

*I want to study event management or planning i think they are the same if not similar thing but ither or.

*I want to be happy with myself, even more organised  i just want to be me

Tara, not just mum, or a friend, or a sister, or a daughter..

Tara first then i know all these other things will follow.

I guess all these things will take time and thats ok i just need to be pro-active.

No more time wasting, no more procrastinating.

These things are what I need to do for ME

and in turn for my children.

They deserve more then i am giving right now and if putting me first to put them first

makes me selfish then bring it on i'll be selfish for the rest of my life.

 

BOIIIING The Clock Struck Feral O'clock...

image from here

Feral O'clock...

It's that time of the evening around about 4:30/5:00pm

where all hell breaks loose!

Babies are crying for their dinner,

toddlers are throwing tantrums because they cant have a bikkie before dinner,

I had surround sound crying it was awesome :|

Mummys on the phone trying to organise a sleep over for the little cousin (because shes had crap holidays), trying to calm children, cook dinner (because i wasnt prepared), heat baby food, teach toddler he has to wait for dinner, txting gorgeous friends,

All the while thinking where the F*CK is Hubby!

HURRY UP

Then its silence daddy walks through the door which entertains toddler, baby is having his face fed and mummy is looking at Hubby giving him the 

you have NO idea that our house sounded like a zoo 15 minutes ago

EVEN if he had brought me home flowers!

Now its blissfully quiet toddler and baby are asleep, daddy is at training and mummy is,

blogging, facebooking, tweeting and watching Bethenny Ever After.

Preparing myself to do it all again tomorrow but adding my 9yo cousin to the mix

Wish me luck!

2 little boys...

I have 2 little Masters

Master J who is 3 in June and Lil C who is 1 in september.

I have no pink in my house,

it is all blue and green and red and brown.

Matchbox cars, building blocks, animals and planes.

I wouldnt change it for the world...

When I first found out Master J had a peen

I wont lie..

I was sad I went to the toilet after my U/S and cried on my mums shoulder.

WHY you ask?

well its a silly reason but i wanted a girl first.

Im an older sister and loved the relationship i had with my brother

It just seemed to me how it was suppose ot be for us.

It didnt take me long to get over it, we were exicited.

we wrapped our baby boy in blue, made plans for him to play in the dirt and play footy when he was older.

He was going to be an awesome big brother I just knew it.

When I fell pregnant with Lil C

I think it was pretty clear i was baking another blue

I still held onto the hope i would get the pigeon pair

because that seemed perfect to me!

And yep he was our 2nd little man.

And yes my heart slightly fell again BUT it was pretty awesome too

they were gonna grow up to be best buddies...

thats the plan anyway haha

"Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero"
~Marc Brown

kisses for little brother on mothers day

The first bonding momment

i love you

6 months on and that plan is looking pretty good so far.

Master J ADORES his little brother.

Always finding his dummy, helping me where he can playing with him, talking to him, making him laugh.

They bath together, have "tummy time" together, sometimes just "be" together

Dont get me wrong he has his momments of terror and jealousy

but im pretty sure thats all normal.

He is also extremely protective!

He has in his mind who and who isnt allowed to touch and hold Lil C.

He has smacked total strangers hands for touching Lil C or yelled NO at the kiddies at daycare.

He starts to get worried if he thinks we are going to leave Lil C behind

and

He will come running if somethings not right

(example if Lil C has toppled over whilst sitting up) 

Its so very cute to watch and makes me so proud.

I can just see once Lil C starts to crawl and walk Master J will acquire a shadow,

they already get along so well, laughing at things they only know,

playing with cars

and just being brothers.

I look at my boys now and think they are perfect.

and, honestly,

I am so happy to have

2 little boys, 2 little best friends, 2 little mischief makers.

I dont think there is anything like the bond that forms between 2 brothers

and i can not wait to see it turn into something so unbreakable.

"There's no other love like the love for a brother.

There's no other love like the love from a brother."

~Astrid Alauda

One day mumma might get her girl but for now...

I will just enjoy the love and bond of 2 little boys for their mummy

because that is like none other too..

Balancing Act

Im sure this post has been done to death but im having a Mum-ment! and need to vent

Over the past few weeks ive really been feeling the "perfect" pressure!

you kow that feeling where you have to have everythig prefect for your family?

or am i the only one?

Anywho im a SAHM and luuurve it, ive discovered its where im meant to be no matter how tough money gets time with my boys is worth more then anything.

along with the SAHM comes the "stigma" of SAHWife

which means home cooked meals, clean hosue, washing done, dishes done etc etc

Thats cool i can do that fo sure! somedays i even enjoy doing that

but lately it seems to have gotten on top of me.

Im feeling the pressure of having all of that plus more done everyday!

But theres not enough hours in the day for all of that and to raise 2 beautiful boys, to get my craft on, my blog on gees even my fb on (sad really i know)

Yes i know Fb, Blogging, Craft arent as important as spending time with my babies or running a household but as many SAHM know you need an outlet a window to the outside world pretty muchs so you dont get cabin fever right?

So it got me down and stressing out (as you do) about where i find me time

yes i said it MUMMY time because as much as i dedicate myself to my partner, children and house and chose this path mummy does need time too!!

"A happy mummy is a happy baby"

i fully 100% believe in this statement!

I think most mothers work better when they can get some down time some them time..

How do i find that balance? Why cant i just forget about the house work for just one day? Why does the house have to be clean and tidy every day (for me i know its because im a virgo but still grrr)

Why do i put so much pressure on myself? Why do we all put so much pressure on ourselves

Afterall we are only human right?

Is it because of the expectations from the media and society that if you're a SAHM you have to have the perfect life the perfect house, the perfect children, the perfect life?

That your a "bad mum" if you dont have it in the bag, balanced and under control?

So id love to know what your thoughts are? Do you feel the pressure somedays?

How do you balance your days?

image from here