Thursday, June 23, 2011

Tears, mumma bear angry & breathing again.

After days, weeks, months and years,
I still feel like an outsider.

What do I have to do to be worth their acceptance?

There is bitchyness behind backs, favouritism, secret gatherings.
Plans are made we are not thought of.
Well until last minute then we/I are an after thought.
Not a nice feeling
There is vindictivness, sublte but it's there, i see it like a red flag.

My children miss out the most.
My heart breaks for them
I cry for them
I dont want them to suffer the same feelings I have all my life.
I want them to fit in I want them to be accepted.
I don't want them treated like they are a chore or an imposition.

They are blood I am not
Yet it means nothing.
You dont like me? Fine! firstly tell me but dont take it out on my boys.
They want nothing more to be loved, to be treated the same.

It's starting to affect me more then it ever has before.
I dont trust the words anymore, i get anxious if we ever are involved in something.
I get angry, mother bear angry!
I want to pack my boys up and disappear away from it all.
Would they miss us? I don't think so i really don't

I want them to hurt the way i hurt.
I want them to see what they are doing because honestly i dont think they even realise.

Voicing this is not an option
It would lead to more of the above and im already dealing with more then i can handle.
More then anyone is capable of dealing with.

What does it take to add myself to their circle.
To stop the judgement and gain the friendship.

They are no better then me i "know" this
Yet they make me feel worthless.
The thought of what is being said behind my back is enough to send me to tears.
I am anxious enough to not want to post this,
I can't even fathom the reaction if one of them stumbled across it.
yes not even my blog is a safe place anymore,
yet i need to get it out there.

I'm over trying
I don't have any more fight in me.
I wont be holding my breath in anticpation any longer
whats the point I'm already turning blue
enoughs enough.
I need my breath back
I need to breath life into myself and my children again
Give them everything they aren't getting from who should be giving it to them.

Thought i would join up with the lovely Glowless and Flog My Blog
well this post as this post will never make it to FB
*edited so i could add the funky FYBF icon

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