Sunday, June 26, 2011

Baby sitting & Mothers guilt

We all know the general idea of mothers guilt
I feel it just as many mothers do
My biggest guilt trip is when it comes to having my boys baby sat.

Im writing this becase i need a break
not just a hubby takes the boys for a few hours or put them in childcare break
no I'm in desperate need of an over night mummy gets to sleep in,
 and can potter around during the day with no distractions type break.

Just writing that has already given me the guilts!

Why should I "need" a break from my children
Why cant I be the "perfect" mother and have "happy smiling" children.
Why cant i just suck it up & mother them 24/7
There are plenty of mums out there who dont have a baby sitting option at all
If they can do it why cant I?

The fact that i "need" a break is enough to make me cry, it makes me feel like im failing
But the thought of asking someone to look after them sends me into hysterics.

I dont even remember the last time one of my boys was away from me "just because."

Master J had a sleepover the night before we were induced with Lil C
Lil C is almost 10 months old :|

They were both looked after for most of a day so i could attend a market for my FB business
but their dad picked them up after work.

They are the last 2 times they were looked after
and both times it was for a reason.
both times I felt like i had asked too much.

I guess I look at it like
I chose to have my babies
So why should i ask someone else to look after them?
They are my partners and I responsibility, no-one elses.
I feel like they are all thinking if she didn't want to look after her kids why did she have them

I want to be a mother who can ask family for some help
I only need it every now and then
I dont want them looked after 100 times a week
once or twice a month would be fabulous
Just so Mr S & I can work on our realtionship
a date night would be heaven
Gees a dinner/lunch date and we pick the kids up after would be amazing.

I just cant ask though.
I cant bring myself to ask someone to take responsibility for my children just because i need a break.
I dont want to be made to feel like i am placing a "burden" upon them by asking.
I dont want there to be conditions of them being taken care of
Why should there be?
It dosen't help that no-one is willing to look after Master J
No-one can "handle" him
But you know what some days I cant ither
Somedays he is so full on that I cant do anything but pay him attention until Lil C needs me
or he is distracted by something.
All of which is buring me out
All of which is why I need some respite.

I know I need to do something the right intentions are there, on my behalf
but by not taking that huge step and asking
my boys are missing out
They are missing out on building relationships with grandparents and auntys
With cousins and family.

They are starting to become trapped in my little bubble
because of how im made to feel about things.

Which of course just adds to this mothers guilt.

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*image from here