Tuesday, September 13, 2011

No-one understands

No-one seems to understand how I'm feeling
I am coping with this thats for certain
When I say I'm ok i really am ok
Im not great, Im not fantastic
I am simply just that... OK

Im getting through 1 day and into the next as best I can
I'm not sitting in a corner crying, I'm not laying in bed all day
Life goes on I have 2 small children that need me
Im managing, just but I'm doing what I need to do to get through

But somedays straight out SUCK
Somedays I cry.. alot
In the shower
In the car
At night when the boys are asleep

I dont cry because I miss him
I cry because I'm alone
I cry because I crave Love
I cry because I crave to feel special & beautiful again
I cry because I wish that the situation I am in now with the people in my life now
was 6 months into the future where things could be differnt
where I would be past this stage
I cry because if things hadn't of changed all that time ago
I wouldn't be crying now

I said that its my time to shine
my time to be me
Other people are saying it too & its all true
But how do I do what I want when I dont even know what that is
How do I just be me when I dont even know how to be me

I am getting out there and doing things
I get my nails done
Im going to the gym again
Im seeing friends when I can
Going out for dinner & hot chocolates
My house is being decluttered
Im starting my scrapbooking & crafting again

But once my boys are in bed 
I'm alone
I have no-one to share in my day
To kiss & cuddle
To talk to
To flirt with.
And its not easy
I enjoy all of that
I like the company of a partner especially when they can full-fill all those needs
and there's nothing wrong with that it's just who I am.
I dont want nor do I need another relationship right now
But it dosen't stop me missing the good times & fun that can be had in one.

The weekends the boys aren't here are the hardest
Yes crazy I know
I have all this child free time to do what I want un-interrupted & I just dont want it
The amount of time i actually have to myself is daunting
How do I fill it all in?
How do I just enjoy this time without wishing myself into the future?
Whatever happens, happens I need to let the universe play my cards
But how do I enjoy being me?

Today the days ahead look long and lonely
Tomorrow hopefully they are full of light & life

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*edited to add image credit