Knotted hair; the momment I hit my rock bottom.

Last night I had my wake up call, the past few weeks have been awful, but I hadn't realised just how bad I had become.

After I had showered and slipped into my PJ's late last night, I started to brush my hair... I had knots, huge tangles that took me an hour to comb out of my hair. It dawned on me I hadn't brushed my hair in 2 weeks...
I've washed it so at least it's clean but then I would put it straight back up where it gets tangled even more, no-one would know as I just kept rocking the messy bun look but I knew what it meant...
It meant I had let myself go.
Add on top of that a small weight gain and it makes for a pretty emotional mummy who finally just broke down and cried my eyes out.

Over the past few week I have had pockets full of happiness, my instagram and facebook feed will show you that but honestly some of it is real and some of it I've forced.
I have tried to create these happy momments like a trip to the Animal expo which was not so much a success funnily enough; you cant force joy and happiness... lesson learnt!

But behind closed doors I have been a ball of tears. I have become lazy, I pretty much just get through the day doing things because I have too because I need to look after my kids first and foremost... which means I havn't been looking after myself.

I cook and clean and adhere to my motherly duties but I havn't really "cooked" we've tried nothing new we have been living on things I know they will eat so dinner time id over smoothly and quickly and I havnt baked in so long.
Everything seemed to have just stopped I went into a state of I just done care auto pilot

Our little family unit of 3 has done very little, the boys have been stuck inside due to rain and I've done nothing with them to help ease their fustration, the TV and DVDs have been our best friends as have Kindy and Daycare.

Last night I chose not to be that person anymore.

I can't say exactly why I have become this person, the details aren't important as they are being dealt with legally but on Easter Monday I was assulted by someone, someone I thought would never hurt me like that, someone I had trusted, someone who should never have done this especially in front of my precious boys.

It's affected me more then just on the surface, the tiny finger brusies and sore leg are nothing to what its done to me on the inside.
I am emotionally fragile about it I just keep thinking why me? I gave this person my everything and this is how they treat me... I just dont understand, I dont think I ever will.
I am beyond lucky that all I sustained were tiny brusies and a sore leg because the whole situation could have gone alot worse.

Now, I have to leave that part at that, please dont ask questions I just needed to get this off my chest and please if you think you know who it is please don't say... I need to protect my boys in the future, they dont need to know the details unless they ask and I want to be the one to tell them.

Anyway, last night was a changing momment for me, I guess it was kind of my rock bottom funny how knotted hair was the start of a new beginning.
I know I have to start the healing and moving forward process, I know that I have to do it not just for my boys but for me.

Today is different, today is the start of becoming who I was, today I am becoming me again, today I am becoming Master Js and Lil Cs fun mummy again.

Our Adventure to the Farmers Market

On Sunday I decided to take my boys to the Adelaide Showgrounds Farmers Market
It was our first time going since it had become as big as it is, I went once before and loved it but it was quite small and then life just got in the way... as it does.

Master J has taken quite the interest in cooking lately, something I am over the moon and about, I feel so happy that he is starting to love it like I do.
So i thought this would be just another step for him in his small boy cooking adventure!
Because it was quite busy and they didn't have doughnuts (typical 3yo) and I was a little stressed because I hadn't got there as early as I would have liked he wasn't overly thrilled but he did enjoy finding the vegies for me just like we do in the supermarket.

waiting in line to pay for some of our vegies

The atmosephere was great the place was buzzing with chatter and bargaining and I loved the variety of fresh fruits, vegetables and flowers we could choose from, and it was so cheap!

After we had done the rounds on the fruits vegies and flowers, it was time to head into the shed and have a look at all the stalls in there.

They had bread and deli meats, olives and honey it was a little overwhelming as it was quite busy inside.

BUT I did wait in line for these gorgeous little treats! They are sooooo good!

Macaroons by From Scratch Patisserie

As we left I was excitied to use our vegies that night for our roast dinner and for the rest of the week.

our day at the market

I was not disappointed everything was so tasty and fresh.
The carrotts were sweet and fresh smelling and the broccoli smelt of the earth it was a wonderful smell. It's a smell I have smelt before when I worked in the Central Markets with my family but something my boys hadn't and Master J was amazed.

Tonight we are making Pastie Pie and we are using all the vegies we got at the market.
Both the boys will eat this without fail and they don't pick the vegies out even thought they are chopped quite big whihc is huge for Master J as he is my fussiest eater.

Our big bowl of vegies before they are cooked

Even better yet Master J couldn't wait to get in to the kitchen and watch me and help doing his favourite thing when we cook... Stirring.

"I stir mummy"

We will definetly be back to the market in a fortnight for another adventure and hopefully take it a little slower and soak up the atmosphere a little bit more and enjoy a hot chocolate too.

Do you go to any local farmers markets where you live? What's your favourite part of them?

The memories of the family table

We are moving at the end of this year, we've out grown this house.
The boys need a bigger & better shaped backyard, I am desperate for a clean, free of spiders & undercover entertaining area.
I long for a bigger more functional kitchen and a bigger dining room and a bigger table.

As the boys have gotten bigger & older they have loved being outside.
Which excities me!
I want to be outside too, I want to watch them playing while I read a book or do some study.
I want to spend warm summer nights outside eating dinner or entertaining guests with a nice area full of candles & fairy lights.
At the momment its a little hard but we make it work... on occasion.

When our little family become just the boys and I, I made a decision to eat dinner at the table everynight and I'm happy to say we are still doing this! Master J even asks to eat at the "big table" which makes me happy ;)
But our area is small as is our table not to mention the chairs are uncomfortable.

Loving their Tacos at the table

When we find a new home one of my top priorities is to buy a new dining room table, something bigger, something with more seats.

See I have dreams & plans in my head of family meals, not just me & the boys but extended family, friends my new loves family & friends.
I want to create more memories around our family table.

Dont get me wrong we have memories around our current table like Lil C mastering the spoon & fork, the boys trying new foods, spaghetti sauce mess, Master J eating "green trees" (brocoli) and snakes (green beans) for the first time not hidden, we've laughed and cried but I think our memories are starting to get too big for our little table as we grow and become a bigger family.

I love the joy I feel when I've cooked a meal for my family and I love the joy it brings to the people around me and I want to share this more, I want a room full of happiness, good food and memories.

Family memories are so important to me hopefully one day the boys will talk about their family dinners around the table just like I talk about the weekend webbers my dad used to cook when I was little.

My biggest dream is to be able to host Christmas day and in 7 months time I hope to finally live out my dream, in our new house, in our bigger space with our new bigger family table...
Cross your fingers it will happen!

Christmas lunch for 4 on our little table last year

Do you eat around the table? Do you make a special time every week or just try and do it when everyone is home?

Winter sunshine

Even though Autumn is blessing most of the country with some amazingly summery weather, winter isn't all that far away.

I wrote a post last year or maybe it was the year before where I discovered why my mood matched the winter skys.
Funnily enough all it took to lift my mood, was some natural light.

I've been thinking about this winter and how I don't want to slip into the grey and gloomy feel of the cold months.
These are the things I'm going to do to help make my winter a bit more summery.

* Open my blinds on the outside of the house.
I have my blinds down throughout summer to help keep the house cool and for a bit of security so opening them up and allowing some natural light in works wonders.
During the day I will lift them up and then of a night time will pull them down again, just because I'm a scaredy cat ;)

* Open my curtains, flick my lamp on and turn the heater on.
Ok so this isn't exactly energy efficiant and does nothing for the environment but there's just something about seeing the dark and gloomy skys and seeing the rain through your window whilst curled up under the heater.
I think this will just be a sometimes thing!

* Curl up on the couch with a blanket.
I love sitting on our couch with my babies, each with our own blankies and watching a few DVDs or some cartoons. It makes for lovely family memories and cosy winter days.

* Wear super cute Pjs and socks and have a home day.
I love me some Pjs they are so comfy and funky! Nothing better then having a shower in the morning only to slip back into some warm Pjs and cute patterned socks knowing that you have no where to be and no-one to see. And to make it extra lazy, I chuck my slow cooker on so there's nothing to do all day but be in the momment with my boys and smell the amazing aromas of our dinner.

* Drink hot chocolate with marshmellows.
Mmmm yummy! Nothing warms me up more then a delicious hot chocolate topped with 3 marshmellows, under a blanket and even better my boys are loving them now too! So this winter it will be hot choccies all round!

* Cook stews, casseroles and family roasts.
My slow cooker is going to get a work out this winter. I love my casseroles and they are one of my favourite comfort foods. Roasts on a Sunday have become apart of our family traditions even if it's just roast vegies on the side and I will be continuing that to help warm our bellies.

* Make homemade desserts.
I havn't made too many desserts so I think this winter its time to create some lovely sweets to become apart of our family favourites and who dosen't love a hot apple pie after a yummy Sunday roast?!

* Bake cookies, bake anything!
My Master J has fallen in love with baking and even cooking! Which makes me so so happy. I am beyond excitied that my love for cooking has rubbed off on him. So this winter when it's raining and he's climbing the walls, we will get our hands dirty in some yummy goodness and bake & cook our little hearts out.

* Buy yellow flowers.
There's something about he colour yellow that just screams happiness.
My man brought me some lovely yellow Gerbras for Easter and they just lit up my dining room & kitchen area. So fingers crossed as winter comes into season there is some gorgeous yellow flowers around too.

Typing out this list makes me so excitied for the winter months. I hope to have cosy yummy winter creating new memories and traditions that will one day they will carry on into their families.

What about you? Do you have any special things you do when the weather is gloomy and you aren't feeling very sunshiney? Maybe a favourite comfort meal? Or a familiy tradition?