Friday, April 27, 2012

Knotted hair; the momment I hit my rock bottom.

Last night I had my wake up call, the past few weeks have been awful, but I hadn't realised just how bad I had become.

After I had showered and slipped into my PJ's late last night, I started to brush my hair... I had knots, huge tangles that took me an hour to comb out of my hair. It dawned on me I hadn't brushed my hair in 2 weeks...
I've washed it so at least it's clean but then I would put it straight back up where it gets tangled even more, no-one would know as I just kept rocking the messy bun look but I knew what it meant...
It meant I had let myself go.
Add on top of that a small weight gain and it makes for a pretty emotional mummy who finally just broke down and cried my eyes out.

Over the past few week I have had pockets full of happiness, my instagram and facebook feed will show you that but honestly some of it is real and some of it I've forced.
I have tried to create these happy momments like a trip to the Animal expo which was not so much a success funnily enough; you cant force joy and happiness... lesson learnt!

But behind closed doors I have been a ball of tears. I have become lazy, I pretty much just get through the day doing things because I have too because I need to look after my kids first and foremost... which means I havn't been looking after myself.

I cook and clean and adhere to my motherly duties but I havn't really "cooked" we've tried nothing new we have been living on things I know they will eat so dinner time id over smoothly and quickly and I havnt baked in so long.
Everything seemed to have just stopped I went into a state of I just done care auto pilot

Our little family unit of 3 has done very little, the boys have been stuck inside due to rain and I've done nothing with them to help ease their fustration, the TV and DVDs have been our best friends as have Kindy and Daycare.

Last night I chose not to be that person anymore.

I can't say exactly why I have become this person, the details aren't important as they are being dealt with legally but on Easter Monday I was assulted by someone, someone I thought would never hurt me like that, someone I had trusted, someone who should never have done this especially in front of my precious boys.

It's affected me more then just on the surface, the tiny finger brusies and sore leg are nothing to what its done to me on the inside.
I am emotionally fragile about it I just keep thinking why me? I gave this person my everything and this is how they treat me... I just dont understand, I dont think I ever will.
I am beyond lucky that all I sustained were tiny brusies and a sore leg because the whole situation could have gone alot worse.

Now, I have to leave that part at that, please dont ask questions I just needed to get this off my chest and please if you think you know who it is please don't say... I need to protect my boys in the future, they dont need to know the details unless they ask and I want to be the one to tell them.

Anyway, last night was a changing momment for me, I guess it was kind of my rock bottom funny how knotted hair was the start of a new beginning.
I know I have to start the healing and moving forward process, I know that I have to do it not just for my boys but for me.

Today is different, today is the start of becoming who I was, today I am becoming me again, today I am becoming Master Js and Lil Cs fun mummy again.