A weekend... Just me...

If you are on my personal facebook page or follow me on Instagram you would know things havn't been good the past 3 weeks.

I have not been myself, I have no been happy nor have I been a very good friend or mother.

9 months ago I found Love everything was fabulous! I was so happy.

9 days ago it all ended.

It was something that nither of us wanted. It was something that had to happen.

He's a good guy, he really is. He did so much for my self esteem and confidence. For that I will always been thankful. (even if it has taken a beating the past few weeks.)

He just wasn't ready and I needed more.

Outside influences (more then one *they*) started to affect us badly they became too much to bear, the stress and pure fustration I had to go through because of said influences I will NEVER forget.

They straight out ruined what we had.

They acheived what they wanted. We reached a point where we had to let them win.
(karma will solve that problem eventually)

I don't understand why we couldn't just be left alone.

Bitter dosen't look good on anyone, we just wanted to be happy, letting us would have been the bigger thing to do, but no they just couldn't let it go, it was never going to be possible.


So here I am now, today.

Ready to spend the whole weekend alone
No children
No boyfriend
Just me.

People are telling me enjoy it, do things for you, it was only 9 months etc etc and I will a small part of me will.
But this first weekend is going to be the hardest. It may have only been 9 months but we were joining to lives together, we were creating a blended family, we were growing... together.

And...
I am still nursing the wounds.
I am still trying to understand.
I am still trying to heal my heart.


I havnt been alone in 9 months...

Just as I stepped into that relationship I was starting to find me again and was actually cherishing the weekends I had to myself.

Now I am starting from square one again.

So this weekend I plan to heal.

I plan to, sleep in, to cook, eat chinese takeaway, drink cider, do craft, project life, blog, create things for my boys, work, talk to my friends, enjoy the sunshine, get ontop of my laundry!, listen to music, watch movies and just be.

It will hurt, I will cry but only a little bit.

Once I am through this weekend everything will be easier.

Once I am through this weekend I have so many fun and positive things ahead of me the Royal Adelaide Show, Lil C's 2nd birthday, My birthday, A trip to Tassie to see my bestie, Moving house and Christmas!
Thats only the things I have planned there will be so many other things that just pop up.

I couldn't have gotten through the past few weeks withouth my friends and support from them. For that I am eternally grateful.

For now and into the future it's just me and my babies again...

Just us 3.

 

Windows of Happiness

All week I have thought about writing my Windows of happiness post for My Mummy Daze and her linky

At the beginning of the week it was easy I had so much to be happy about.

Then rolled around thursday, there hasn't been much happiness around since then.


So this week even though my Window of Happiness may be slightly clouded in grey I can see the bright colours of flowers peeking through.

Daffodils, my favourite flower. I wish they were around a little longer then a few weeks. When they do hit the shops I buy them every week.

This week they have helped brighten my dining room and bedroom and smelt amazing.

Daffodils with orange and yellow

 

Jonquills - close enough to being a daffodil lol

 

Yellow ones.

 

 

Hopefully next week my Window will be a little clearer and happier.

 Only I can control wether it is or not so fingers are crossed I can get my thinking to change it's direction a little.

What's been making you happy this week?

Windows of Happiness ~ Park fun

The gorgeous Fi is back from the stunning New York and back with her linky...

This week I've really needed to focus on the happiness that surronds me every day and It hasn't been easy.

One of my standouts this week was taking the boys to the park.

I love the joy in their faces

So simple yet we had such a fabulous time there.
Master J is so independent and full of "look at me mum" and Lil C loves doing his own thing in his own time with a splash of I want to do what my big brother is doing.

So happy

The boys have reached the age where I can sit for alot of their time at the park and just observe.
They love checking that I'm still watching and of course when I push them on the swing.

Little and Big

The park has become a win win situation for all of us.
I get to sit and watch them learning and playing, interacting when they want me or need me.
And they get to play independently and not with mummy hovering around throwing off their groove ;)

With spring only days away and summer on the horizon we are all looking forward to getting out and about so much more, with park dates, picnics at the beach and fun filled days at the pool enjoying the fresh air and sunshine.


What happiness did you find in your week? Link with my Fi over at My Mummy Daze

The guilt & open ended answers...

When kissing master J goodnight before i go to bed the guilt from the day washes over me.

Tears brim to my eyes.

I always promise myself i'll do better tomorrow,
I wont yell as much tomorrow,
I wont be as stressed tomorrow...

It never happens...

The next day is the same...
And that night is the same.

I am on a vicious circle & dont know how to get off

The only thing that stands out is...
I love those boys more then anything.

Through all the yelling & the "naughtiness"
through every bad day.

My love for them never stops.

They say you only have to get this parenting thing right about 30% of the time and your kids will grow up just fine.

But what if I'm not getting it right that much... What if I'm getting it wrong so much more then I already am.

Living with a child who has "special needs" (speech/language delay, behavioual issues & sensory processing issues... so far) is challenging & exhausting.

At the momment we have no solid answers only open ended ones.
None of them make sense, none of them show a clear indication as to what may be causing all of this.
Wether there is something going on at all... maybe this is just who Master J is?

I am in limbo, trying to do what we've already learnt, trying new things we see or hear trying to make it through each day without completely losing my cool.

Nothing works completely
What works one day dosen't the next

There is something missing.
We are missing a piece to the puzzle that will help our boy cope that will help us all cope that will help him become the happy little boy I know is still inside.

So round & round we go on this ugly circle.
Tears & screaming & meltdowns both mine & his.
All while trying to appear normal & not draw attention to ourselves.

Guess that's the key right there... We aren't a normal family.

So we wait some more & hope that at his peadiatrics appointment this month we start to get some final answers.
We need them we all do, we need to know what to do next...

The book is open & I'm waiting to the turn page to find the next chapter...
I hope it's there.

Windows of Happiness ~ this and that

Wow that week flew and I must say out of the posts I've typed this week this one is the one I have looked foward to the most.

The gorgeous Fi's from Mummy Daze and her Windows of Happiness linky.

This week I have had several momments of happiness that have helped me through the bleaker days.

There was sunshine, beautiful warm sun light streaming through the curtains.
The bonus was I got my washing dry ;)

Yellow jonquills on my dining room table, they just seem to lift the whole feel of the house.

Reading my boys bank statements and knowing that the small contribution I am making to them every week is one of the best things I could have done for their futures.

Packing Master Js lunchbox for his first ever full day of Kindy

Planning family holidays with one of my closest friends.

Going grocery shopping KID FREE!!!

All these things may not seem like much but they are the tiniest droplets of happiness that have filled my cup.

What's made you happy this week?

Things I Know...

I seem to have a smidgen of my blogging mojo back.
It's been a nice change.
I love connecting with all my lovelies, it feels like I've spread my social butterfly wings a bit more.

To make sure I keep it up I'm linking up with one of my old fav linkys



which is now hosted by the fabulous Dorothy from Singular Insanity

Lets see what I know well what I think I know ;) this week...

* I know that food shopping kiddie free is... AMAZING! I was able to take my time and browse the shelves a little more thoroughly.

* I know that I am well and truly over winter and ready for the warmer days and beautiful warm nights. The entertaing, the dinners outside and lazy days at the beach.

* I know that the brotherly bond my babies have is so precious. They fight one minute but are best friends the next.

* I know I would be lost without my small group of gorgeous friends.

* I know I hope to extend that group with a few more friends over time and maybe just maybe reconnect more with one or two of them.

* I know that this Sunday is going to be a bit of a hard day for me. The only thing that will get me through will be to keep myself busy and be in contact with my lovely friends.

* I know that it's hard work trying to combine 2 families with children involved and exs in the background, but the result can be bliss.

* I know that I have come along way and made some real progress with personal things. It actually makes me really proud. If it wasn't for more friends always being there and supporting me every step of the way I know I wouldn't feel this way at all.

and I think that's all I know... well at least for now.

What do you know?
You could always link up and tell the world, it's all kinds of fun!

Food change

There's been lots of talk around the interwebs about food and cooking from scratch, about healthier options and additives and preservatives.

Its been an interesting read and great to see what alot of other families are implementing into their lives and their childrens lives to eat more naturally.

To say it's inspired me is an understatement it's really got me thinking and planning more.

I have always cooked alot from scratch but I thought I could always have cooked more.

When we discovered Master J was additive and preservative sensitive (mainly colour 102 and MSG) we started cutting out a few bits and pieces and I started baking alot more.
Not to mention I have 2 boys who are going to need loads of food to fill their bottomless legs ;)

It's something I've really grown to enjoy.

I wont say Im 100% natural or additve/preservative free or from scratch, the whole concept of being compleltely free makes my head spin.
I am however making concisous decisons about what I am feeding myself and my boys and I think that even if I'm only doing half I'm helping my boys be healthy and not affected by nasties in some food.

I'll be the first to admit as a solo mumma of 2 I can get lazy and I will buy hot chippies for lunch every now and then or Maccas as treat but most of my boys meals are cooked/made at home.

The big thing I struggle with is their snacks.

My boys arent huge fruit or vegie fans so picking up and apple if they are hungry between meals just dosen't happen here, which I'm not too fussed about... at this stage.

I grate a whole lot of vegies into most of their dinners and I have started baking alot of things which require fruit and puree/stew my own fresh fruit, so they are getting their fruits and veggies just in a different way.

They love their milk before bed and are happy eating wholemeal bread or bread I have baked, they love yoghurt and cheese, weet-bix, rice bubbkes, sultanas and rice crackers.
Master J will also eat tinned peaches and bananas and Lil C will happily sit down to a bowl of mashed vegies with some gravy (he's his mummas boy in that department)

I have loved finding new recipes that are the "equivilant" to the pre packaged foods I would normally buy and It feels good to be getting the boys involved and helping and watching them try new foods.

Just today I made a few differnt food choices in our shopping.
I purchased a yoghurt maker and instead of the long life juice I brought the Coles cloudy apple juice from the dairy aisle (which I give them diluted) which is only apples.
I also brought some apples and strawberries to make some fruit filled oatmeal bars and wholemeal pitas and wholemeal crumpets.

We have baby spinach and rocket (we did have basil & corriander too... they didnt quite make it) growing in the boys old sand & water table and I plan on extending our vegie garden when we move in November and getting some egg laying chickens.

I am also now considering buying a few things that are Organic after seeing this on Pinterest

image from theoldsimplelife.blogspot.com

It may mean my shopping is a smidge more expensive but I think thats the comprimise for making

sure our food is that little bit healthier.

Looking at all the things I do it isnt very much right now slowly but surely we will get there and will choose differnt options as we go.

Small change is better then none at all... right?

I would love to know if you are doing anything like this... what you are doing? Do you buy organic? 
Can always use some more ideas ;)

Windows of Happiness ~ A childs Imagination

The gorgeous Fi from over at My Mummy Daze has started a new linky called

The aim is to try and beat the wintery blues that seem to be swirling around the place.
To find the positive amongst the rain and cold.

I know I am suffering, some days quite badly other days just mommentarily but ither way I dont like feeling this way and I dont like that a season has something to do with it!

I use to love winter! Curled up on the couch with a blanket & hot chocolate were how I spent many a winters day... Then I had my boys.

Winter now consists of snotty noes, chesty coughs, huge electricity bills from the heater, daycare & kindy runs in the wind & rain and finding things to keep a 4yo and almost 2 yo entertained when the weather is miserable outside.

So really this linky is perfect timing for me and my boy blues as we are having some yucky weather and they are going stir crazy!

Take a peek into week 1 of my Window of Happiness...

Saturday morning was a hard one for me, I dont like mess and Cyclone J and Tornado C has ripped through with a vengance.

When things arise that I have no control over I can get very overwhelmed, I then look to the things I can control which unfortuantly for me is my house.
Cleaning, organising and tidying all help me feel calm and make dealing with the things I can't control so much easier to deal with.

It is not a good thing I am fully aware of that but I am getting so much better at letting the house go and not worrying that I'm stepping over books, standing on duplo, tripping over matchbox cars, have a sink full of dishes or a mountain of washing screaming my name.

Luckily for me I've made huge progress and something Saturday morning stopped me, just as I was about to let loose and lose my cool I breathed, walked away and stopped and listened to them playing.

I was in awe, they were using their imaginations!

In a world of technology, foxtel and fancy toys my boys were playing the old fashioned way, the way my brother and I use to play.

At first I saw mess...

But really they were playing happily creating differnt scenarios.

At first I saw a stripped bed...

But really it was a pillow tv and they were laying on Master Js Cars couch watching a movie.

At first I saw a table getting broken or a child getting hurt...

But it was really master J driving his brother around in a Monster Truck and all would be ok if I was watching and listening to make sure Master J didn't get too carried away.

At first I imagined them filling up my shopping bags full of all their toys and then them tipping them out all over the house... (as they;ve done before)

But really they were going shopping at "Woolies" (where their daddy works) to buy Ice coffee (because thats what their daddy likes)
Lil C kept walking around waving saying "byyyeeee"


So this morning with a slight attitude change what would have normally stressed me out made me smile, made me happy and surprsingly for me... made me calm.

Even better... it made a bleak wintery morning all that much brighter.

Have you had a Window of Happiness this week? Why not link up with Fi *here* and have a peak into other peoples windows too ;)

Recipe Book ~ Fruit Filled Oatmeal Bars

I have been trying to find a recipe the same as the fruit filled bars you can buy at the supermarket for so long and I have had no luck so far!
Then I came across a recipe *here* the other night.
It looked easy enough and almost what I wanted.

So here's how I did it...

ingredients

1 cup wholemeal plain flour
1 cup of quick oats
2/3 cup of soft brown sugar packed
1/2 cup of margarine
3 granny smith apples
8-10 strawberries halved

method

Cut up apples and place into a small saucepan with a little bit of water.
turn on heat and boil until almost soft.
Add strawberries to apples and boil until they are soft too.
Take off heat and allow to cool.
Using a stick mixer or food processor blend until smooth or consistancy desired.

*Combine plain flour, quick oats & brown sugar
*Add margarine
*Using your hands rub margarine into the dry ingredients until it resembles breadcrumbs
*Take out 1 cup of mixture and put to the side.
*In a small square or rectangle baking pan press the rest of the mixture into the bottom of the pan. (make sure it's nice and firmly packed)
*Spread the apple and strawberry puree over base.
(there may be some left over depending on how big your pan is)
*Using the 1 cup of breadcrumb mixture put aside earlier sprinkle over the top of fruit puree. I pressed mine down a little bit but don't press too hard otherwise the puree oozes through ;)
*Pop in over for 30-40 minutes or until the top is golden brown.

*Cool in the pan on top of a wire rack.
*Once cooled to room tempreature pop in the fridge so it sets a little more.
*Once it's cooled completely cut into sqaures or bars.

VOILA!

Both my boys and myself enjoyed these. I will definitely be making them again and experimenting with different fillings.

Just so everyone is aware this is NOT my recipe I just ommitted things and used slightly different ingredients to the original recipe all credit is www.food.com s

Boofa turns 4 and Monster truck madness

On Sunday the 17th of June we celebrated Master Js 4th birthday... Yep 4!
I have NO idea where those 4 years went but what a ride it's been.
You can read his birth story *here*

I am in awe at the little boy he is turning into and how far we have come with his Speech Delay

He starts full time Kindy in Term 3, loves playing with his cars and trains, has really developed a love of cooking (well helping mummy cook) Loves his little brother so so much It really is beautiful to see and is talking our ears off!

So I thought in celebration of my gorgeous blue eyed boy I would share our pictures of his special day.

His birthday countdown chain

It really helped him understand when his birthday was and he loved taking a link off every night.

Birthday eve = 1 very excitied little man

presents set up the night before

Taking off his last link =D

unwrapping presents

the present haul

After a fabulous morning of opening presents and playing with his new toys the boys went off with their dad for a few hours so he could have some time with Master J on his birthday.

I had decided that after the rough 12 months we have had I decided a big party wasn't the best thing I decided I wanted something that was small and fun with the people that are closest to us and where all the focus was on Master J.

That turned out to be a dinner. I still got to decorate in his chosen Monster Truck theme, the kids got to play in an inside playground and it was nice and relaxing... well for the most part ;)

the decorated table

the cake

(thanks nana Kylie)

singing happy birthday and cutting his cake

mummy and the birthday boy <3

the little brother <3

And just because I totally love this outfit...

what mummy wore

So there we have it my Boofas 4th birthday in pictures.

He had a great day was spoilt rotten and I could feel the love from all over the place for my special little guy.

The only thing now is...

My house is being overrun by Monster Trucks!

ARGHHHHHHH!

Judgement ~ A guest post

The lovely Chrissie has kindly offered to be my 2nd ever guest poster! She blogs over at Me and my Munchkin sharing her solo mumma journey. Please pop over and show her some love.

This post comes at the perfect time for me as just over a week ago I was judged at a play centre by at least 2 other mothers.
I took it really badly.
I just wished as mums they could have been a little more understanding and not so judgemental (or just straight out bitchy!)
BUT some people are like that and in reality we can't change them only the way we think and feel or how we react to these situations shows our own true character.

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it" ~ Dennis P. Kimbro

Well enough from me here's Chrissies post, would love your thoughts, but remember please no judging.

Passing Judgement

Put your hand up if you have ever made a snap judgement on someone. I'm sure that everyone reading this has done at some point in their lives. What makes all the difference though, is if you voice that judgement.

Being a single mum in my early twenties, I am subjected to lots of judgement. I am a stay at home mum, which means that I'm told I am not doing enough to provide for my son. It's almost as if it's socially unacceptable and considered lazy for a single mum to stay at home with her child, and I have found myself trying to justify it to others on many occasions.

When I browse through Online parenting forums, I see people get attacked, simply for stating their own personal choice when it comes to raising their own children. Breast versus bottle, disposable versus cloth nappies, discipline, day care, stay at home versus go back to work, the list of debatable and controversial topics is endless.

How many times have you been at the shops when your toddler decides to throw the mother of all tantrums? You can see the judgemental eyes of passer bys (thankfully also some sympathetic eyes too). Maybe you even receive a nasty comment or two about controlling your child.

When did it all come to this? When did we all become so judgemental? Why is it that we always think that our way is the right way?

I will let you in on a little secret. Before I had my Munchkin, I was someone who easily passed judgement, though I was never one to voice it. “Each to their own” has always been my motto. I don’t see the point in starting an argument, or making another mother feel inferior just for the sake of voicing my opinion.

I now have a much more accepting view. We are all just doing the best we can. Motherhood is a tough gig, and it doesn’t matter if you are a first time mother, or if you have five children, dealing with a tantrum in the confectionary isle at the supermarket is stressful, and embarrassing.

We all need to really think before we comment, whether that is out in public, or online on a parenting page. Each of us is simply trying to do the best we can, and we all cope differently, so we need to cut each other some slack and instead of judging, offer some kind words or even just an empathetic smile. It will make all the difference to that Mum, trust me.

Have you ever been on the receiving end of judgement? Are you a reformed judger? (thats totally a word yes?)


Image Source: http://pinterest.com/pin/213569207299627485/

Mini bucket list

I read a post last week from one of my new favourite bloggers
Kelle Hampton ~ Enjoying the small things and she had written out a Mini bucket list after a text from a friend.

10 things all acheiveable right now that she wanted to do that week.

Fabulous idea right?

So I thought I'd give it a whirl.

1. Make bath bombs and actually use one in a nice relaxing bath.
2. Send a cute little package with a homemade card to special friends.
3. Make a homemade chocolate self saucing pudding
4. Research and plan a holiday and start saving for it!
5. Catch up with my gorgeous friend for cafe primo dinner with my boys in tow.
6. Go out for ice cream no matter the weather.
7. Make pancakes for breakfast on a weekday.
8. Wake up early before the boys and embrace the morning quietness.
9. Turn the TV off (after neighbours of course!) and do some craft.
10. Wear my hair down for a day.

All these things can be easily done in a week and a whole lot of fun.

What would you put on your mini bucket list?

Guest Post ~ Dryer balls, Natural products & a giveaway!

As many of my followers know Master J has a developmental delay and reacts to many additives and preservatives cutting these out has also lead me on a bit of a rampage trying to find more natural products around the house, making our own bread and growing our own vegies (work in progress)
My lovely friend Miss Em pointed me in the direction of a fabulous page on FB Tumblemonkey Handmade and I discovered they offer some great natural alternatives for a few products around the house.

I am so very excitied that the lovely lady behind this facebook page has agreed to do a guest post on my blog
My very first one!!!

So here we go...

Hi, Tara has asked me to come on over and introduce myself...
My name is Cath and I am a mother of 3 on a journey to rid my home and life of toxic chemicals
(one product at a time so my kids don't freak out).

I have found through trial and research cleaning solutions for your clothes, dishes and house that WORK as well if not better than the chemical products found in the supermarket.
My choices contain NO hazardous chemicals and are (kind on skin and respiratory systems.)

Firstly I would like to introduce you to my wool felt dryer balls (that are basically wool balls that live in your dryer and reduce the time it takes to dry a load of washing significantly)
Our customers (and there are many and growing daily) report 3 dryer balls give you about 30% savings and 6 will give you closer to 50% saving on the time (and that means money spent drying your clothes.)
They are very reasonably priced (only $4 ball) and they also makes your clothes fluffy and soft
(and are perfect for MCN's.)

I have also done alot of trialing with soap nuts, which are actually berries that can be used to replace detergents when washing clothes, in your dishwasher and even as hand washes, bubble baths and shampoos etc.
If you have heard of them but have just not had a chance to give them a try, I do sample packs for only $3 (which gives you enough to wash about 4-6 loads of clothes to see just how fabulous they are).

The most exciting part of my stable of products is to come.

I have just decided after using and loving Nature Direct in my home that I would become a distributor of their natural cleaning products.
They are multipurpose (so few products that replace all the ones you have at home like your bleaches, Domestos, Glen 20 PineOcleans, Spray& wipes etc.
They contain only natural ingredients (are biodegradable) ,they are easy to use and really WORK, They have a MONEY BACK guarantee and the best is they are really economical (which as a mother of 3 is one of my biggest frustrations...when I find something that is great...it is usually too expensive for me to buy and keep using over the long term)

Anyway hopefully I have wet your appetite and you might be interested in coming on over to check out Tumblemonkey Handmade and consider changing your choices so you can make a safer home and environment free from chemicals.
There is a fabulous community of woman who all contribute their knowledge on many subjects and cleaning scenarios.

Join us at Tumblemonkey.

Cath.

If you have any questions regarding her products etc Cath is more then happy to answer them for you :)


Giveaway

Now it's giveaway time!
Cath has so kindly offered a giveaway on 1 pack of her dryer balls!

All you have to do is be a liker of my bloggy facebook page Mum-ments and the lovely Caths page Tumblemonkey Handmade and answer this easy peasy question...

What little things are you doing around the house to help your environment?

Answer below (one entry per person) and don't forget to include you e-mail address!
Winner will be drawn Thursday morning at around 10am South Australian time.

now for the boring bits...
Giveaway is not associated or endorsed by facebook in any way
All answers must be on this blog post
Open to Australian residents only (sorry mom)
Winner will be drawn by random org and emailed.


So there we go my first guest post and I must say I LOVE it!
BIG thankyou to Cath for being my very first guest poster you have been an absolute pleasure to work with hun.

If you are interested in being a guest poster on any subject please email me at taramuller@hotmail.com or private message me over at Mum-ments

p.s I had a play around with some settings on my blog so if there is any trouble commenting please let me know and I will fix it asap.