Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Beginning of Number 2 Blue

Before i stupidly deleted all my old Blog posts gaaahhhhh
I had written one post that will always be my favourite
This post had recieved the most comments and it was one i read over and over again
Luckily i wasnt silly enough to delete that one beofre saving it! YEW!
So im going to share this post before i follow on from it with Lil C's birth story
(i apologise in advance for how long it is lol)

Sooner or later something seems to call us onto a particular path... this is what I must do, this is what I've got to have. This is who I am." - James Hillman

I am the mother of one handsome little 18 month old, until about 2 weeks ago i was a single mother and quite content in the fact that it was me and my Master J agasint the world, "just the two of us"
I was starting to really enjoy all the mummy son time we had, knowing that i was all he had, his one constant in his life and that he was all i needed.

His father and I were on pretty good terms most of the time and he saw Josh for a few days a week just like we had organised...
looking back now maybe we were getting along a little toooo well lol.

Stuart and I had been together for 6 years, produced an amazing little man, were engaged and were looking to the future of moving house and trying for another baby.
One day that was all thrown away in one massive fight, which resulted in us seperating. We both felt it was the right thing to ensure Joshua was no longer exposed to the fights and tears, and honselty it worked perfectly.
(Stuart and i have since gotten back together and are a very happy family of 4)
We were both getting along, we were happy and i was actually starting to miss him.
I envied all the friends i knew who had parntners and was thinking we should get back together.
Im glad we didnt straight away.

If it wasnt for some wise words from my gorgeous mummy friend Miss L (who probably dosent even realise she'd helped) i would have more then likely gotten back with Stuart ages ago. But Miss L was the one that showed me you could be happy on your own and embrace all the extra time you got with your baby!

So time has passed Stuart and I are still not going too bad, dont get me wrong we certainly had our momments as my bestie well knows as she copped all my teary angry phone calls (love you) but it was bearable.
There had been some talk about getting back together which i was happy to talk about, after 6 years its hard to not still love someone but i had told him we needed more time and that it wasnt going to happen right now.

There is alot more i could say but i dont want to bore you all too much.
However the "fun" begins when stuart and i are alone and in a momment of weakness sleep together.

I didnt think anything of it i cant say i was impress4ed with myself it just made things wayyyy more complicated but we moved past it and continued on our way until....
4days after christmas!
Aunt flow hadn't made her apperance yet i didnt panic straight away as she had been a week late last month so i put it to the back of my mind and enjoyed our long weekend.

Tuesday rolls around and Aunty flow is still a no show. Something in me started to worry sooo i thought wow i couldnt be pregnant surely.. nah its probably just my body being spaz again.. hmm how wrong i was

I messaged my bestie Miss K asking if she had any spare pregnancy tests hahaha as she had found out she was pregnant a week or so earlier.
She tried to comfort me saying not to stress until i'd done the test and that i probably wasnt because of being late last month. I wasnt convinced lol.

So off i went to the shops to buy a test and do a few odds and ends.

I come home with the test buning a hole in my bag.
I did the lunch thing with josh popped him to bed for his nap and what do you know i need to pee.
I leave the test in the bathroom and go into the kitchen, i have no recollection what for anymore i pot around in there and the lounge until its time to check the test.

The momment of truth!!

and there it is two lines OOOOOHHHHH.... MMMMMMM...GGEEEEEEE
what have i done! how could this happen! and then its allllll tears
i ring Miss K balling "fuck fuck fuck" she tells me its ok and that she'll call me back when she gets home.
while i wait i ring my mum. She is stunned and calms me and tells me options, to cut it short her advice was to terminate and honestly at that time i agreed it seemed like the best option
i didnt want to get back with stuart just because i was pregnant.

Miss K rang and we talked, we talked options she told me what she thought she was there for me like she always has been.
I tell stuart and hes happy surprise surprise lol

Next was a phone call to the doctors

The next week and a half was a roller coster of emotions, talking and pros and cons, doctors and appointments and confusion.
Everyday i changed my mind about keeping the baby.
In all truthfullness by the time my blood test results had come back and i was told it was positve i had decided to teminate!

Then the day after that phone call it was like something in me and been switched on there was no way i could terminate this baby i just could not go through what i call 'hell' again
I had decided.. i was having another baby!

Miss K was exstatic we were prgnant together just as we had planned 6 months ago when stuart and i were actually togehter.
Stuart was wonderfully supportive for ither decision i made and was overjoyed when i told him id decided to keep our baby.

So there it was Master J was going to be a big brother!!

The next step was telling the families.
Stuarts were all shocked which i understand but i beleive supportive.
My family well thats were my title comes into play
The day i told my aunty and nana was a day i wish i could've skipped the first words out of my auntys mouth were "I KNEW IT" "you all owe me money" "i knew you'd get pregant after nana told me that Miss K was pregnant"
Her other words about me considering terminatiing were alot harsher which just stung even more.
All i wanted was there support

I was shocked, hurt and confused.
How could she think that i had planned this i was sitting at her table almost in tears, i had been through a week and a half of hell deciding what to do. Why would i consider termination if it was a planned baby??
My nana was happy she was getting to see her 2nd great grandchild ( i think shes got it in her head shes dieing in the next few years gosh only knows why)

I left her house that day hurt more then she will ever know, my mum is leaving for america this year to live and my aunty is the next closest thing i have to a mother and here she is thinking i got pregnant on a whim, that i got pregnant because Miss K was.
Why did she act like i thought keeping this baby was an easy decison?, that a baby was just a toy? having one already i clearly know its not!! that i am not independent enough to make my own life choices without doing somehting because someone else has.?
So why would i fall pregnant to my ex consider teminating all becaused id planned it
I just dont get it.

Which has brought me to my decison of not going out of my way to contact them.
I need support from them not criticism and at the end of the day it is their loss. I am having this baby with our without their support and they are more then welcome to be apart of his/hers life but they will need to cut the crap and remember that this is a human life not whimsical decison.

Not only was this a hard decison but one i DON'T regret.

Someone very close to my heart got hurt by this and i hope they know how sorry i am, but i also hope they understand why i've decided to keep this precious baby. Funnily enough i know i have their support more then my own families which means the world to me.

As its turned out im loving life right now.

Stuart and i are working things out he will be moving home soon and we will start our lives as a family of almsot 4.

My best friend and i are about to go on an amazing journey TOGETHER not becacuse we planned too but because my life took a differnt path and i wouldnt want to go through it with anyone else.

Master J is going to become a big brother and i think hes going to be perfect.

And mummy well im about to get fat, get cravings, feel kicks and fall more and more in love with this blessing each and everyday.

This baby chose us as its parents for a reason and i can not wait to find out why.
Although its life started off full of unncertantity it is now filled with love and want.
Never will i be unceratin about this baby again it will always be loved!

Lifes paths twist and turn and change direction this is merely one of those, a very special "bump" (pun intended) in the road, one that i am grasping with both and hands and doing the best that i can.

7 weeks and 6 days

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