Tuesday, May 3, 2011

It hurts, more then they realise

I am not happy right now, ive made no secret of that.
It's something i am trying to fix but my head is doing me no favours.
BUT nither are the actions from others.
This is fairly long winded but i need it off my chest

I dont think im a bad person i really dont.
I've made mistakes and I've paid the price & learnt my lesson.
Generally I'm happy i would do anything for just about anyone and i still do.
Unfortunatly this also leads to being used.
I care ALOT probably too much! which in turn makes me over think things
a terrible terrible combination.
I dont like confrontation, until I am being attacked.
then i will eat you alive.
I am a good friend if you are a good friend too me.
I could keep going but you get the idea right?

So why do i feel like the whole world has no time for me?

What have i ever done to people for them to not care less about me? or my family?
When did i start becomming not worthy enough for their time, their concern.
it hurts

Not worthy enough for a comment here, or a txt msg there?
it hurts

When did i not become worthy enough to be told the truth?
I feel I've done nothing wrong but yet i feel like im being punished for.. well who knows!
When was it ok to tell me one thing but you do something differnt?
it hurts

When did I & my boys start becoming invisible to the people who i honestly thought cared about me and them?
it hurts

When did it become to hard to ask ME if I was ok, not someone else?
Im not unapproachable, i really dont think i am.
If you are concerned I would appreciate it more if you showed me you are concerned.
If I've upset someone id rather them tell me because I clearly have no idea
And im not the type of person to get bitchy and angry if you confront me im the type of the person who just cries.
it hurts

When did i apparntly become a liar? or a Fake or start using people?
This isnt me and people know this! so why are they trying to accuse me of these things?
it hurts

Why dont these people say something? delete me?
or, more preferrably
act like the friends i though they were, the friends they once were. 

I will admit im not the same as many of my "friends"
Which has made me feel VERY on the outer,
I dont have the same humour, or even have the same high vocabularly
i have trouble wording & articulating things
I havn't been through or experienced the same things
 But isn't that what makes each other unique and for a good friendship?

As you can see I'm hurting

image from here

Many of them may read this, they also may not
and thats ok.

And if they do to them i say,
Dont take this as a personal attack, please you know that is not my intention
Take it as my way of telling you how i'm feeling without causing more drama
feeling uncomfortable.
Becaue i know the answers will be
"Not all" or "Don't be silly"
This is my chance to express it without feeling like im being stupid that im just "seeing" things, that my thoughts and feeling dont matter.

At the end of the day all i have is hurt & un-ansewered questions.
Maybe i should tell them all of this personally and maybe I've already tried
But from experience it honestly does no good
Which is why i have done it here.
I feel It's my last chance at salvaging anything that may be left.
It also gives them a chance to come to me with the Truth
because I have nothing against any of them i just dont feel the same is for me.

It's also my chance to heal and move forward...
Invest more of my time in other friends & friendships 
instead of holding on to something that just might not be there.